Leadership Thought: Whoever Said Pastors Should Never Become Too Close to Their People?

Dear Friends,

Years ago, I remember reading an article discouraging pastors from getting too close to their members. “Don’t make close friends with some of them or you will be accused of favoritism which will create issues for your ministry.” 

I can tell you after nearly 60 years of ministry I am so glad I ignored that writer's supposed ‘wisdom.’

I know Jean and I would never have survived the ministry if it had not been for those special friends who stood with us during difficult times. I am still involved in ministry today because of many of those wonderful friends that strengthened and encouraged me during those sometimes dark and discouraging days of ministry.

Six months ago, I began recalling some of those special friends who have made a significant difference in me and my family’s life. My list of people has now grown to 25, and it’s still growing. Next to each name, I have written a paragraph or two describing why I am thankful for their love and encouragement, and I plan on sharing my thankfulness with each one of them during the next several months. These people are all notable members in the Crenshaw’s Hall of Fame.

Christmas and other holidays can be rough for those who have lost loved ones.  One of those Hall of Famers must have known I needed love with Christmas just around the corner, and in my e-mail was the following note: “Tom, I have been meaning to reach out to you. Glad to hear you benefitted from your Grief Share group. I pray as you join your family for this third Christmas without Jean there will be great comfort and support around the table as you all continue to grieve. I pray that God’s grace will cover each of your family’s hearts as you continue to adjust to living without her.” 

“May God bless each of you in a very unique and personal way this ‘Christ’mas season.” 

“Love and miss you, ___.”

After reading that letter, I went back to my desk, physically and spiritually fortified by my friend’s kind and loving words.

For the next hour, I took time to recall a number of the blessings of the many wonderful friends whose love has made a difference in me and my family’s lives.  And as I did, how grateful I was that I had ignored that writer's exhortation to avoid getting too close to my congregation.

In 1985 it was the number one chart topper. In fact, it was the number one song of the year. It was sung by Dionne Warwick. and you probably can recite some of those words from “That’s What Friends Are For.”

"Keep smiling. Keep shining. knowing that you can always count on me for sure. That's what friends are for."

My mom used to remind me that, “The best way to have a friend was to be a friend,” and I hope that the many wonderful friendships that Jean and I enjoyed throughout our years of ministry are the result of our efforts to out my mom’s advice.

In one of my Bibles, I keep a stack of a growing number of love letters of encouragement that over the years I have received from dear friends who have been a part of my ministry.

Unquestionably, that Bible would be among one of the first things I would seek to retrieve should a fire ever consume our home. 

When the church at Philippi heard Paul was sick and in prison in Rome, they sent Epaphroditus on a 700-mile trip to visit him.

When it was time for Epaphroditus to return home, Paul was concerned that his friend would have to make the return trip alone.

There were a lot of acquaintances Paul could have asked to accompany Epaphroditus on his dangerous 700-mile desert travel home, but instead of turning to his acquaintances, he turned to his good friend Timothy, and he asked him to join Epaphroditus on his trip home,” but that’s what friends are for.”

I hope you all have those “forever friends”

Pastor and author Charles Stanley writes, “No matter what our position or status in life, we all need friends, especially those who are genuine, loyal, and lasting. If we have found a friend like this, we should be grateful, because he or she is a priceless possession.” (Charles Stanley, Sermon on Strong Friendships, part. 1)

 So, get writing, get calling, get visiting, and if you do, there is no telling how many treasured friends you might make and how. many lives you might bless, “for that’s what friends are for.”

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

P. S. “If the world is cold, make it your business to build fires.” Horace Taubel

Leadership Thought: Lessons on Ministry Ideas I Shared with Church Leaders.

Dear Friends

A number of years ago when I was on staff at Calvary Chapel in  Old Bridge, N.J., I met with a group of men who aspired to be pastors and church leaders. During the course of one of our meetings, I was asked by one in the group to share any personal leadership lessons that I felt would be of value for anyone interested in church leadership.  

The question motivated me to develop a list of some of my own personal leadership lessons that had been important to me, and the following week I shared them with the class. 

I recently came across the list I developed, and hopefully some of the lessons I share might be of value to you.

Develop your active listening skills. Attend training opportunities where you can  learn how to be a better listener.

Guard your family life for your family is your ministry.

Teach your congregation about spiritual gifts and have them complete a spiritual gift inventory to assist them in discovering their spiritual gifts. Plug people into ministries where their gifts can be maximized. 

Equip your people to do ministry. Train individual members for ministry. Never do ministry alone but always take someone with you.

Stay in your strength zone. 80% of your time should be spent developing and leading in your areas of strength (giftedness) and 20% in your areas of weakness. 

Develop prayer ministries in your church. Teach your people to pray and provide opportunities for them to pray. "Prayer is striking the winning blow; service is gathering the results." 

Always be looking for opportunities to announce and celebrate  people's achievements within your congregation.

Develop small group ministry and be a part of a small group where you can both give and receive ministry.  

Recognize and teach that ministry takes place from the pulpit to the pew but also from the pew to the pulpit (people encourage and care for their leader) and from the pew to the pew (people minister to one another) Always remind your people that "every member is a minister."

Plan annual retreats with staff and always include plenty of time for fun and fellowship as well as training.

Have your leaders visit other churches and then report back on what they saw and learned. A lot of valuable lessons can be learned from watching how others do church.

Take care of your own physical body and be sure to include some form of exercise. 

Catch staff members doing exceptional ministry and publicly recognize them for their contribution.

Write personal letters of encouragement to your members. Set a goal of at least 5 a week.

Recognize birthdays with a birthday greeting or better yet, a personal phone call.

Always guard your integrity. People will always be watching you to see whether you are genuine.

Take personal time alone for ministry planning and spiritual renewal.

Get to know your staff and their families and spend time with them.

Take the Myers Briggs personality assessment or any other personal assessment to help you understand the personality traits of your staff/leadership team. In one church I served we had sweaters made for our leadership team with our Meyers Briggs personality identification. "I am an ISFP." 

Practice MBWA (management by walking around). Spend time with your staff. Have lunch together and let them know that you care about not only them but their families as well.

Visit the sick in the hospital. Don't leave all of the visiting to your deacons. There is no greater way I know of to develop close personal relationships with your people than visiting people when they are sick.

Emphasize the importance of the Fellowship Hour after church and do everything you can to encourage every member to participate. This is a time when people can care and minister to one another.

I would love to hear from you about any particular events or activities that you found of value in your spiritual development.

Yours in faith,

Tom

Leadership Thought: How’s Our Political System Working Out? Maybe It's Time for a Change?

Dear Friends,

I was recently gifted with John Maxwell's newest book High Road Leadership, and the first chapter really captured my attention. In a nutshell "High Road Leadership" is synonymous with the word "Others."  It’s a quality of leadership that respects the other person and seeks to add value to each and every relationship.

In these days of political name calling resulting in a bitter political divide, High Road Leadership seeks to bring people together by valuing each person and treating one another with dignity and respect.

Sounds like a good idea to me, and by the way such leadership might make a big difference in what might get done by our political leaders. 

And yes, isn't High Road Leadership consistent with the teaching of our Master who stressed the importance of "doing unto others as we would have them do unto us?" 

The first chapter of the book is titled "Bringing People Together" and in it Maxwell includes a number of thought-provoking quotes which serve to highlight some of the key points he seeks to make regarding High Road Leadership.

"Leadership rises when leaders possess good leadership skills and good values."

"Hate has caused a lot of problems in the world but has not solved one yet." Maya Angelou

"No matter what the circumstances, if we want to be good leaders, we must come to the table, sit in the middle without choosing a side, listen to others, and work to bring people together." 

"If you can't work with people who disagree with you, you will never become the leader you could be."

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Attributed to Mahatma Gandhi.

"Treating others better than they treat you, and with consistency and without judgmentalism, is the best way to bring people together."

"High Road Leaders don't focus on the chasm between people. They focus on the connection."

 "When you believe the best about people and give them your best, it brings out their best."

Such leadership principles are simplistic- just wishful thinking you might say.  They would never work in these turbulent and often chaotic times. But I would ask how's our present system working out?

Maybe it’s time for a radical change, and maybe Jesus was right when He taught us that "Every kingdom  divided against itself is brought to desolation and every city and house divided will not stand." (Matthew 12:22-28).  At least these principles provide us with something to think about!

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: Let's Be Lifters and Lookers

Dear Friends

I want to remind you that we can either be the wind beneath someone's wings or the anchor in their boat. Leaders should be both lifters and lookers. We should be lifters who lighten other's loads and we should be lookers, always on the lookout for ways to inspire and encourage others.

There are far too many people who act like anchors in our boat. They are intent on dragging us down. They possess the attitude that communicates "If I can't be happy, neither should you be happy."

Leaders should be fire lighters, who come along side others and help ignite their dreams. "You can do it," "I'm with you," "You can count on me" are some of the words in the vocabulary of the fire lighter. Every one of us needs fire lighters in our lives.

 

But unfortunately, there are also fire fighters in our lives. These are the people intent on dousing dreams and dampening spirits. The fire fighter pours water on the flames of enthusiasm. His vocabulary consists of phrases like, "You can never do it," "the task is insurmountable," "you don't have the resources," "you don't have the background, or you lack the experience." The words of the firefighter will leave you discouraged and ready to quit.

 

David Mains tells the story of how he and his wife sought to address some behavior issues with their four-year old son Jeremy. He had a habit they wanted to break, but they weren't making much progress. They had tried everything until as a final resort they applied the physical discipline of spanking. When the conversation was restored, his wife, Karen, asked the chastised little boy, "Jeremy, what are we going to do with you?" Fully contrite, he slowly answered, "Why, don't you just throw me in the garbage" (Moody Monthly, "Summer 1982" p. 43).

And you know there are many people in life who like little Jeremy, feel like they have been thrown into the dumpster. They don't feel as if anyone cares about them. They feel they are without value, good for nothing except to be cast on to some garbage pile.

We all have a need to be needed. We want to know that people care for us. We want them to affirm our value and importance. We want someone we know that truly cares for us and will be there whenever we have an unmet need. We want to know we are of value and that we are important to someone. Blessed is the person who knows he or she is needed and has someone who really cares enough to provide for that need.

Today let's be lifters of someone's arms, helping to share their heavy load. Let's be lookers, intentionally seeking out that person who needs someone to inspire and encourage them. If you do, not only will you bless someone, but you yourself with be blessed for the greater blessing comes to the one who gives, not to the one who receives.

 

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: Leaders Are Always Learning How to Be Good Listeners

Dear Friends,

Recently I was out to lunch with a good friend. We hadn’t met for some time,  and after our lengthy lunch, I walked away thinking what a wonderful time I had with my friend.

There is no better lunch than the one which ends that ends with both participants saying “I laughed and learned a lot.”

Having lunch with my friend, sharing stories, and enjoying  memories encompassing  twenty years of ministry, brought a great  sense of joy to my heart.

However, the one regret I had after our time together was wishing that I had talked less and listened more.

When you have lived as many years as I have, you accumulate a lot of stories, and those stories possess the potential to make for long and sometimes boring conversations. I hope this was not the case for our time together, but I do confess that I wished I had talked less and listened and learned more about the person sitting across from me at the table.

At times like this, I need to remind myself that a good conversationalist is one who is more interested in being impressed than being impressive, and  who seeks to make the other person feel valued and important.  A good listener knows the importance of listening with not only his/her ears but his/her heart

Author and speaker John Maxwell shares three helpful questions he often asks when  meeting with people: “What do you laugh (sing) about?”  “What do you cry about?”  “What do you dream about?”  These are good questions to help you get to know   another person.

Yes, you can improve your listening skills by asking good questions and listening intently to the other person’s responses.

Another important listening skill is listening to others with empathy. Pastor Rick Warren writes “listening with empathy means you listen without interruption, and you listen for what’s not being said-the feeling and fears behind the words. And you don’t need to try and fix the problem; sometimes healing comes just from someone listening.”  (Rick Warren, “To Love You Have to Listen,” Rick Warren from the internet)

Romans 15:2 reminds us that “We must  bear the burden of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others.” (TLB).

As I drove home yesterday afternoon, I found myself thinking that I could have made the time with my friend more valuable had I lived out and practiced some of the listening and learning skills I knew but didn’t practice.

Good listeners are faithful friends and great burden bearers, and who doesn’t want friends like that?

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: Jesus Is the Master of Compassion

Dear Friends,

There is an ancient legend about a monk who found a very precious stone. A short time later the monk met a man who was hungry, and the man asked if he would share some of his provisions. When the monk opened his bag, the traveler noticed a precious stone and, on an impulse, he asked the monk if he could have it. Amazingly, the monk gave the traveler the stone. The traveler departed quickly, overjoyed with his new possession. However, a few days later  he came back to the monk and returned the stone and said to  him. "Please give me something more valuable, and more precious than the stone. Please give me that which enabled you to give me this precious stone!" James W.  Moore, Some Things Are Too Good Not To Be True,  P. 101.

Compassion is a quality that all of us could use more of. Jesus renewed people with the power of His compassion. In Matthew 50:32, we read "Jesus called his disciples to Him and said "I have compassion for those people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away, or they may collapse on the way."

Just earlier the disciples said urged Jesus to get rid of the woman who was begging that He heal her demon possessed daughter. 

"Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us," the disciples urged Jesus. But Jesus had time for her, just as he had time for anyone who crossed His path with a need for Jesus was a man who was always moved with compassion (Matthew 9:36; 14:14; 20:32).

The Greek word for compassion in these verses means "to suffer with," which implies He cared so much, it physically affected him. 

That is why when 4000 were camped out on his mountain doorstep, He couldn't just send them away. They had a need, and He was willing to take the time to meet that need. 

Oftentimes we avoid becoming involved with people because we know that we will be inconvenienced by addressing their needs. It is easier to be like those disciples and say: "Send her/ him away," "I don't have time," "I don't have the resources," "I don't have the ability," "I don't have the energy".

We have all been there and done that. But Jesus reminds us that we need to be aware of opportunities to be His hands and fee, and to minister with the heart of His love. Not only should we be aware of such needs, but  we should even be searching for opportunities to minister to those needs with His same heart of compassion. 

An unknown author has observed, "Some of our tears should be like Christ tears- for other people's troubles. 

Jesus. who was the master of compassion. He never wept for Himself, and may we not shed a tear for ourselves until our compassion for others has touched our hearts  and made us weep."

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

PS Frederick Buechner writes, "Compassion is that sometimes fatal capacity for feeling what it's like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is a knowledge that there can never be any joy and peace for me until there is joy and peace for you as well."

Leadership Thought: Are You a Proactive Communicator?

Dear Friends,

Are you a proactive communicator? Do you look for opportunities to connect with people, especially those whom you do not know?

As a church member, do you come to church with the hopes of meeting someone new, and when you see that someone, do you take the first step in introducing yourself to them?  

The chances are slim that a visitor will introduce themselves to you. Most visitors are slow to engage with those around them, and so it is important that you be willing to initiate the conversation.

The key to connecting with people is to be proactive, to be the first one to initiate the conversation. “Hello, my name is Tom. What is yours” or “I don’t think I know you, could you tell me your name?”  

To take the initiative in greeting someone may seem a little awkward or uncomfortable for you if you are on the introverted side, but once you do it a few times you will become more comfortable in initiating that conversation. You will be surprised by how many friends you will make doing this. Relationships must have a beginning, and if you’ll ‘make the first move’ you may discover you are talking to your next best friend.

I have found a helpful way of building on your initial greeting and that is to ask the person, “Tell me your story.” They may look at you rather strangely, perhaps even puzzled, and then I might add. “ I’d love to hear more about you. Tell me what brought you here this morning?” 

I had breakfast with one of my best friends who is a hospice chaplain, and he told me he always seeks to do a “life review” with everyone he visits for the first time. He wants to hear the person share important events or experiences that have shaped and impacted his/her life.  In doing so, he often finds common ground that he and the one visited can build on.

There is a significant story to be learned from everyone you meet, but you may never discover that story unless you take the first step in initiating the conversation.

As Opry Winfrey has said, “everyone has the need to be seen and heard,” and good listeners are adept at connecting with people by exercising good listening skills.

By the way the person I met with for breakfast  I led to Christ almost thirty years ago, largely by asking good questions and then being careful to be a good listener.

‘Hit and run evangelism’ can sometimes work, but more often than not most people come to Christ through relationships, or friendship evangelism, which is built upon extensive conversations with a friend who listens and cares before sharing his/her faith. At least that’s been my experience. What is yours?

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom