Leadership Thought: Reflections on Our Call to Ministry by Hospice Chaplain Dan Herman

Dear Friends,

One of my good friends Dan Herman, is a hospice chaplain, and he recently shared a devotional message for his team that was closely akin to my yesterday’s Leadership Thought.

Dan gave me permission to share his devotional message with you.  

The names of the people have been changed in order to respect their privacy

Dan writes, “As chaplains, we are constantly receiving gifts from our patients, families and caregivers. Last week I visited Linda and Jerry Stroman.  Linda was in her usual place, her recliner, in the living room.  Jerry was in his normal position, seated on the couch.  I was in my usual position, in a chair right next to Linda.” 

“As I was sitting talking to Jerry and observing Linda, I noticed a pretty throw quilt over Linda’s legs.  It was brightly colored, which was uplifting.  As I looked more carefully, I saw that there were words on the quilt, stretched across Linda’s lap.  I first noticed below the words a Bible citation, a verse from the Book of John.  Then I raised my eyes and read the words. ‘A new command I give you:  Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.’  John13:34. Linda was literally and figuratively covered by Jesus’ love.”

“I commented to Jerry how much I liked the quilt and appreciated the Bible verse.  Jerry told me the quilt was a gift to Linda   from her caregiver Liz, who was in the kitchen.  I called in to Liz to tell her how much I appreciated the quilt.”

“What a wonderful scenario!!!!  Liz lovingly cares for Linda on a daily basis and demonstrates her love through the gift of the  quilt, carrying out in a physical way the command of Jesus that we love one another.”

“And this is what we are called to do as believers.  We are called to love one another.”

“Whether we serve as a nurse, or social worker, or aide, or support staff or manager – everything we do should be an   expression of our love for each other, for our patients, for our families, for our caregivers.” 

“Notice that Jesus says  ‘As I have loved you…’”

“Jesus sets the example, but He also provides the source.  We do not have  an unending supply of love.  Our ability to love one another, to serve, in our own strength is limited.”

“I pray that we can turn to our God, to our source, to enable us to love one another, and to serve one another, and I give thanks  that this is our calling and our privilege.”

“As the Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13, ‘If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a   resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.’”   

Thanks, Dan, for the loving care you provide your hospice patients, and for your words that remind all of us of our calling as servants of our Master Servant.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: What to Say and Do for Your Friend with a Grieving Heart.

Dear Friends,

For several years I sought to establish a Grief Share group in our church. I was never able to identify those who were willing to lead the ministry. However, much to my surprise, it wouldn't be until my wife died that two people would come forward to start and lead the ministry. For this, I will forever be thankful. 

For over 25 years Grief Share has helped over one million people heal from the pain of grief. 

If you are walking on the grief journey, I highly recommend this program. Through videos and group discussion those participating could learn healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve.

At a previous meeting we discussed how grief can impact your friendships.

At one time or another people seeking to aid the one in grief will say or do the wrong thing.

"At least they're not suffering anymore." "They're in a better place, "Time heals all wounds," are all familiar expressions the grieving person may often hear.

Even the most well- meaning friends and family members can say things that may make you feel hurt and angry. 

You might be tempted to avoid interacting with such people because they don't understand what you're going through, but it is important to remember that not all people know how to act or what to say when they are around grieving people. 

 I learned that one third of your friends will not be helpful, one third will be somewhat helpful and one third become those whom you will rely and depend upon as you go through grief.

I have found these statistics to be true. Those one third who have been most helpful are those possessing certain characteristics.

They are not afraid to ask how you are doing and really want to know.

They are empathetic and good listeners. They feel your pain and are not uncomfortable dealing with your emotional highs and lows.

They periodically stay in touch and understand that those grieving need to know you care and that you have not forgotten them.

They understand that more than anything else the grieving person wants to talk about their loved one, and they look to provide opportunities for you to share your memories about them. 

Those who have been most helpful to me are the ones who have made phone calls, sent letters or e-mails, or made personal visits to ask how I  was doing.

Through my grief journey, I have learned that even those who would like to comfort you feel uncomfortable doing so, and while they might desire to be of help, they have little idea what you need or what you are going through.

I've learned that you need patience with such people and not place unrealistic expectations on them.

I've learned to respond with love when they say or do the wrong thing, or when they act like nothing is wrong and seem surprised to discover that while you may seem well on the outside, on the inside your heart is breaking.

Proverbs reminds us to be gracious with such people. "A person's wisdom yield's patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense."(Proverbs 19:11)

I've learned to rely on God and upon those friends who do understand, and who do seek ways to show their love and concern.

I have learned that isolation is the worst route the grieving person can take, and that good relationships are essential and are needed more than ever. 

“When grief is overwhelming, the most natural tendency is to hide. But once you are comfortable to suffer in the presence of those who will listen and will not back away, and who are not uncomfortable in the midst of your pain, it will make a positive difference in your grief journey. Shutting yourself off from other people only prolongs the intensity of your pain.” Dr. Larry Crabb. (paraphrase)

God’s word reminds us that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and who has no one to help them up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). We truly need each other.

The next time you want to help someone on their grief journey, and you are not sure what to say or do, just pray and ask God to show you how you might respond. He will guide you and give you the right words or actions that will help heal the grief wounds born in the heart of your friend.

Yours in faith,

Tom

P.S. Here is a list of things you might wish to remember when communicating with someone seeking to care for your wounded heart.

Be a quiet listener and let me talk about my loved one and be a good listener as I share those   memories.

Ignoring my grief does not make it go away.

If I am sad, let me be sad. Do not try to cheer me up. It’s important for me to express the emotions I am feeling.

Sometimes it may appear that I am functioning fine and that I am doing well. Understand that outward appearances can be deceiving.

The Bible has countless examples of people experiencing and expressing their grief. Even Jesus wept over the death of his friend. So being spiritual, or having faith, doesn’t mean I won’t deal with sorrow.

Don’t make comments about next year being better or time healing my wounds; My concerns are focused on the here and now.

Understand that I can’t do everything I used to do in the past, but don’t hesitate to invite me to do things anyway.

Let me cry if I need to. You don’t have to say anything- just hand me tissues and be there for me.

Understand that grief can go on for years. There is no established time limit. 

Please, don't make judgments about how long it's taking me to grieve.

This message is adapted from a previous Leadership Thought

Leadership Thought: Spending the Early Morning Hours with John and Jesus

Dear Friends,

Years ago, I began a daily meeting with leadership expert John Maxwell. Each morning before the sun comes up, I grab a cup of tea, spend time with Jesus and the Word, pray, and then study something John had written or listen to one of his leadership pod casts. The routine was not always completed in the same order, but seldom has there been a day when one of these steps was not incorporated into my daily schedule. I can't tell begin to tell you how much this early morning routine has meant to me over these many years, but I can tell you that I have never regretted a moment I've spent with my two early morning friends.

A couple of mornings ago I listened to a message John shared that spoke to my heart and reaffirmed the value of my early morning discipline. 

I share with you just a few of the priceless lessons he shared in a recent message. While what he taught was not new to me-I had heard  the lessons before- but this particular morning I was once again reminded of the value of those early morning hours of  a quiet time spent with Jesus and John. 

Whatever I know about pastoring and leading has largely been derived from those early morning hours I spent with these dear friends who shared both spiritual and leadership principles that have forever impacted my life. 

In a recent message he shared titled "Winners Mindset" John spoke of three very valuable truths that I would leave with you.

1. Never Stop learning and growing. It's what you've learned after you've learned it all, that really counts (John Wooden).

Leadership is developed not discovered. You don’t become a leader overnight. Learning leadership is a lifelong study. The moment you stop learning, you stop leading ( Rick Warren).

Growth does not happen in a day but daily.

2. Don't let anyone steal your dream. Failure is only a balloon prick away. Don't hang around with dream busters. There are too many people around who want to trash your dreams. Be a fire lighter and not a fire fighter. Be the wind beneath someone's wings and not an anchor in their boat.

Dreams are fragile, so guard them carefully. They are like bubbles that are floating close to jagged rocks. It only takes a little wind, and they burst. (Bob Beale).  All your dreams will come true if you have the courage to pursue them. Don't hang around with cop outs, dropouts, burn outs or strike outs. 

3.You can spend your life in any way you want, but you can only spend it once. You call the shots. The value of life lies not in the length of your days, but in the use that we make of those days. You may live long, but yet only live a little. Two things are necessary for your success-to know your purpose and realize your gifts and then do something with them that will outlive your life.

The above are practical truths with significant spiritual implications.

You and I are never too old to begin to learn something new, so if you haven't already begun a quiet time with Jesus or considered a commitment to developing your personal leadership skills, I hope my challenge will jump start one of the most valuable early morning times you will ever spend.

May we heed the words of Paul who exhorts us “to study to show ourselves approved unto God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Further information

John Maxwell is the author, coach and speaker who has sold more than twenty-four million books in 50 languages. Often called the country’s number one leadership authority, he was recently identified as the most popular leadership expert in the world by Inc. Magazine. His company has trained and equipped more than five million leaders in 80 countries.

John is a man of God whose personal evangelical faith provides the spiritual grounding for his leadership principles. For those looking for an excellent book on leadership, I would suggest his book Winning with People or The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership

For those looking for a spiritual companion to your personal bible study, I would recommend Warren Wiersbe’s, With the Word a Chapter-by-Chapter Bible Handbook in paperback.

Noted author and writer, Warren W. Wiersbe's  has produced a classic Bible handbook which offers a trustworthy approach to a book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter tour through God's Word.

His book is a highly readable personal "conversation" with Scripture which will guide you through each book, helping you reap the rich, life-changing applications on every page. Its goal is to assist you in discovering and applying some of the basic spiritual lessons found in Scripture, and to that end, it's as applicable and relevant as it was when it was published.

Leadership Thought: Addressing Addiction Like Evangelism Takes Time: Are We Prepared to Take the Time?

Dear Friends,

A few years ago, I attended a meeting in our church for those seeking recovery from addiction. Like AA, we had a speaker who shared a testimony on how he or she found recovery through the power of Christ.

As I listened to the speaker share her story, I was intrigued by the number of times she had relapsed in her recovery process. For her, it was one start after another, and each start ended the same-a return to her addictive behavior.

Throughout her many failures, the speaker testified that there were always people in her life who supported her and encouraged her on her journey to recovery.  They didn't give up on her, and all the while they kept reminding her that the power of Christ could break the bondage of her addictive behavior.

Like finding Christ, discovering the road to recovery is not always a one-time event. Recovery can be a process that takes place over a lengthy period of time.  

Seeds that are planted don't sprout up overnight. You can't rush the process. Each seed has a certain timetable before its flower is produced. Think about your own life. How many people did God send into your life before you received Jesus and experienced life change? If you were lucky, you had people around you who were persistent in loving and praying for you, and it was their persistent belief in you that strengthened you, especially during those times when you were discouraged and wanted to give up.

Fortunately, our speaker had friends who were committed to her recovery and who were with her for the long haul. Even when they failed to see the changes in her life they had hoped to see, they never gave up on her. Because of their patient love and continued encouragement during those many failures, she now enjoys seven years of sobriety and is now sharing the story of her recovery journey to help others find hope in recovery.

Often in our efforts to see someone saved, we feel we must give them the whole gospel, and when they don't immediately pray the sinner's prayer, we feel like we have failed, and we are tempted to give up on them. However, if we assume responsibility for the success of our evangelistic efforts, we assume something that is not ours to assume. 

The same is true for the recovering addict. They may need to fail many times before they experience and embrace the change in their lives we hope to see, and during that time they need faithful people around them who will continue to love and encourage them in their recovery. 

As believers we are called to be witnesses. Those were our Savior's marching orders. We are reminded in 1 Peter 3:15 that we are "to always be prepared to give an account to everyone who asks us for the hope that we have within us," but we are never personally responsible for that person's ultimate decision. 

Campus Crusade for Christ (now Cru) has a wonderful definition for evangelism: "Evangelism is sharing Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit and leaving the results up to God." We are not the ones responsible for the person's salvation. We may deliver the message, but it is God who opens the door to a person's heart. When we understand this, we will never feel a sense of failure, regardless of a person's response to our message.

Whether you are witnessing to someone about Christ, or patiently witnessing to them about recovery, we need to be patient and persistent in offering our love and encouragement. Don't ever give up on them and continue to let them know that you will always be there for them, even when they fail to demonstrate the change you desire to see in them.

Remember "The righteous falls seven times and rises again…" (Prov.24:16), and it just may be that it is the seventh time that he/she chooses to never to fall again.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

P.S. "Perseverance is the rope that ties the soul to the doorpost of heaven". Frances J. Roberts

Leadership Thought: How Can I Know That I Love Like Jesus?

Dear Friends,

The other day in response to a Leadership Thought on loving our enemies, a friend asked the question: “Tom, can you honestly say you love everyone like Jesus?”

He then followed up his question with the first names of two people who had not been particularly supportive of me in a previous church many years ago, and I responded, "That's a tough question to answer. I'd like to say I love everyone, but if I define my love by the way Jesus loved people, I’d have to say I fall plenty short on the Jesus scale of love.

And then another reader shared an interesting definition of love. He said , “Love is acting in another’s highest interest.”

And as I read this definition, I realized I again fell short, for I know there are all too many times I have often put my own self interests ahead of others.

I realized I wasn’t doing very well on this Jesus kind of love thing; in fact, I ashamedly had to admit I was a complete failure.

Jesus loved everybody. He wasn’t choosey about whom he loved the way I sometimes am.  He helped everybody. He cared for everybody. Regardless of a person’s need, He would take the time to meet that need.

Unlike most of us, He was a no excuse kind of guy. If you had a need, He met that need.

Unfortunately, I am often too much like some of the people below who found ready excuses to ignore the needs of a man who fell into a pit and couldn’t get out.

A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."

An objective person came along and said, "Well, it's logical that someone would fall down there."

A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."

A mathematician calculated how the individual fell into the pit.

A news reporter wanted an exclusive story on the person in the pit.

A fundamentalist said, "You deserve your pit."

A Calvinist said, if you had been saved, you would have never fallen into that pit. 

An Armenian said, "You were saved and still fell into the pit."

A charismatic said, "Just confess that you are not in that pit."

A realist came along and said, "Now, that's a pit." 

A geologist told him to appreciate the rock strata in the pit. 

An IRS worker asked if he was paying taxes on this pit. 

The county inspector asked if he had a permit to dig the pit.  

A self-pitying person said, " You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."

An  optimist said, "Things could be worse." 

A pessimist said, "Things will get worse." 

Jesus, seeing the man, reached out and took him by the hand and lifted him up out of the pit"  Encouragement Changes Everything, John Maxwell)

And if you and I do the same kind of ‘lifting,’ only then will we know that we love like Jesus.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: What Does It Mean to Love Our Enemies?

Dear Friends,

Loving our enemies is hard, and seemingly impossible in some cases, but Jesus makes it abundantly clear that this is what we are called to do.

In the article below, Judd Garrett, wrestles with what Christ's love really means when one confronts something like the horrific hate filled act of revenge that recently took place on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. I share his message as a reminder of how we must respond to such an act as those who claim the name of Christ.

Judd writes, "When I first heard of the Islamic terrorist attack in New Orleans on the early morning of New Year’s Eve killing 14 innocent people, I wanted revenge, or at least justice, which many times feels a lot like revenge. I was filled with anger and hate. A friend of mine told me that if one of his kids had been killed in the terrorist attack, the police killing the terrorist would not be enough. He would want members of the terrorist’s family or his mosque to die as well. He would want a form of retributional justice for his child to show that his child’s life meant something, and that he didn’t die in vain."

"In the past few days, I have wondered, how could anyone follow a religion that tells its followers to kill people who have different religious beliefs? I understand, through history, there have been a number of instances where followers of my religion – Christians – killed others because they were of different religions, but my patent response has always been, when Muslims kill people of other religions, they are acting in accordance to the teaching of Islam, when Christians do it, they are acting directly opposite of Christ’s teachings. That is absolutely true. Jesus taught about love, forgiveness, and mercy. “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”; “love your neighbor as yourself”; “love one another as I have loved you”; and “love your enemies”. Those teachings of love all sound wonderful. They make us feel good about what we believe. They make us feel good about ourselves. They may even make us feel morally arrogant."

"But if we, as Christians, are going to separate ourselves from Islam or the world in general, then we must do more than preach the words of Jesus, we must become the words of Jesus. How many of us really adhere to these dictums? Do we really love our fellow man in the way Jesus tells us to? If so, how in the world do we love our enemies? How can we find it inside ourselves to love the man who just intentionally killed 14 innocent people on Bourbon Street? That goes directly against every human instinct that I have. I want to hate him. Hating him is the natural thing for us humans. I don’t know how to love him. I don’t know if I have that in me, but I know that is what we as Christians are called to do. That more than anything is what separates us from them. We are called to not only forgive but to love that person. Anyone can act in revenge. The world acts in revenge. That is what the driver of that truck was doing – acting in revenge for whatever wrong he superimposed on America or Christians or Jews. And what did his act in those early hours of New Years morning accomplish? And what would taking revenge on his family or someone of his religion accomplish? Absolutely nothing."

"We must find a way to not let the hate inside of us which is begging to come out, to rear its ugly head. You’re never supposed to make emotional decisions, and when the emotion is hate, nothing but evil will emerge from that. The man who committed this evil act on Bourbon Street was driven by hate. That is the only emotion that would motivate that level of evil."

"Cheri Bech, the aunt of Tiger Bech, the ex-Princeton football player killed during the terror attack, told Fox News, “on New Year’s night, we had learned of the news of Tiger. My daughters and I were sitting at our dinner table, and one of my daughters looked at me and said, ‘Mom, you know, someone killed my cousin. And I forgive him’,” she said. “It’s through our faith in Jesus that we’re able to forgive such a heinous act of crime against just innocent people.” This is the ultimate struggle. We are called to live, think and act in a way that is completely contradictory to this world and our nature, but completely consistent with the word of God. Although loving and forgiving people who commit evil, feels unjust here on Earth, remember, the time we spend beyond this world will make our time in this world feel like a blink of an eye".

"Finding a way to love everyone even our enemies, does not mean that we must turn a blind eye to the evil that people do, and suddenly believe it’s okay or justified to commit terrorist acts. It is not. We must do everything in our power to confront and stop evil. But in this world, we are confused. We falsely believe that in order to love another person, we must affirm everything that the person does. And if we don’t affirm their behavior, then we are told we are “hating on them”, which is absurd. Parents can still love their child, even though the child does things that his parents don’t approve of. We are not required to approve of or affirm everyone’s actions in order to love them. And we should not love another person based on their actions, anyway."

"We are called to love our fellow man despite their evil and hateful actions. That’s the difficult thing for human beings. And that’s what makes God, God. God is able to love us in spite of our sins. God is capable of loving the evil person. That’s the difference between God’s love and man’s love. And we may prefer man’s love to God’s love here on earth, but when we stand before God and are making an account for our lives, we will all hope to experience God’s love in that moment not man’s love. We demand justice here on Earth, but we will all beg for mercy at the doorstep of heaven."

"Maybe if we did the impossible and found a way to forgive and even love a person who did the unthinkable – intentionally kill the innocent – and through that, the world would be able to glimpse and even experience the type of love and mercy that Jesus embodied, only then would the innocent not have died in vain."

Judd is a graduate of Princeton University and a former NFL player, coach, and executive. He is the brother and brother-in-law of Janine and Harry Flaherty, who together help lead the New Jersey State Fellowship of Christian athletes.

Leadership Thought: A Poppy Christmas Thank You Note I Won't Ever Forget

Dear Friends,

Last night my eight-year granddaughter Reece, proudly walked into my room and handed me an envelope addressed, “Poppy.”

I quickly opened it up, and as I read her words, I thought to myself this is one of the most memorable letters l have ever received.

It was a thank you note for a Christmas gift I had given her. She concluded her comments with these words. “Your card to me was very thoughtful and pleasant, as it is every year. I love you and am so glad you live with us, especially on the holidays. I feel bad I did not get you a gift, but I hope it’s OK. I love you so much!”

The gift she thought she never gave me was hidden from her, written on a note card and tucked inside that purple envelope which screamed out, "Poppy, I love you." 

My daughter Rachel has taught her well.

There are few things more valuable today than handwritten notes, and few know this better than I do.

Over the years I have received hundreds of handwritten notes. Brimming with love and saturated with thoughtfulness, they are personally tucked away inside an old Bible which doubles as my treasured encouragement storehouse.

Before neuropathy set in a few years ago, I made it a point to write at least five personal notes a day. However, today those crippled fingers have to punch out my thoughts on a computer keyboard,  and while I know those words are not quite the same as those found on a handwritten note, they remain my next best attempt at sharing my love.

Oswald Sanders in his classic book Spiritual Leadership, states, "writing letters is one of the most essential qualities of a leader.”  

He also points out Paul’s handwritten letters “were filled with encouragement, were gracious in compliment and rich in sympathy. Those who received them were always enriched (See Philippians 1:27-30).”

Sanders goes on to add that letter writing formed a big part in the follow up program of the great evangelist George Whitefield who after preaching to large crowds, would work late into the night writing letters of encouragement to new converts. 

Is there someone you know whose spirit would be bolstered by some expression of your love or encouragement?  You don’t have to express your thoughts on some fancy store bought card - just a plain piece of notepaper and a few lines of your love scribbled in your unique handwriting will do just fine.

And don’t forget while letters cannot smile, they can speak. They can shout love, breathe encouragement, and convey care.

So why not grab a pen and some paper and in the words of Nike's trademark logo, "Just do it."

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom