Leadership Thought: What to Say and Do with a Friend with a Grieving Heart 

Dear Friends,

For over 25 years Grief Share has helped over one million people heal from the pain of grief. 

If you are walking your grief journey, or know of someone who is, I highly recommend this program. Through videos and group discussion those participating have the opportunity to learn how and how not to grieve.

At one of the meetings we discussed how grief can impact one's friendships.

Often friends seeking to aid the one in grief will say or do the wrong thing.

"At least they're not suffering anymore." "They're in a better place, "Time heals all wounds," are all familiar expressions the grieving person may often hear.

Even the most well- meaning friends and family members can say things that may make you feel hurt and angry.

You might be tempted to avoid interacting with such people because they don't understand what you are going through, but it is important to remember that not all people know how to act or what to  say when they are around grieving people.   

 It has been said that one third of your friends will not be helpful, one third will be somewhat helpful and one third will become those whom you will rely and depend upon as you go through grief.

I have found these statistics to be true. Those one third who have been most helpful are those possessing certain characteristics.

They are not afraid to ask how you are doing and really mean it.

They are empathetic and good listeners. They feel your pain and are not uncomfortable dealing with your emotional highs and lows.

They periodically stay in touch and understand that those grieving need to know you care and that you have not forgotten them.

They understand that more than anything else the grieving person wants to talk about their loved one, and they look to provide opportunities for you share your memories about them. 

Those in that last  group have been such a blessing to me. Whether through phone calls, letters, e-mails, or personal visits, they continue to check up on me and show me how much they care.

Through my grief journey, I have learned that even those who would like to comfort you feel uncomfortable doing so, and while they might desire to be of help, they have little  idea what you need or what you are going through.

I've learned that you need patience with such people and not place unrealistic expectations on them.

I've learned to respond with love when they say or do the wrong thing, or when they act like nothing is wrong and seem surprised to discover that while you may seem well on the outside, on the inside your heart is breaking.

Proverbs reminds us to be gracious with such people. "A person's wisdom yield's patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense."(Proverbs 19:11)

I've learned to rely on God and upon those friends who do understand, and who do seek ways to show their love and concern.

I have learned that isolation is the worst route the grieving person can take, and good relationships are essential and are needed more than ever. 

“When grief is overwhelming, the most natural tendency is to hide. But once you are willing to look bad in the presence of love, in the presence of somebody who doesn’t back away, that’s going to make a big difference in your life. Shutting yourself off from other people only prolongs the intensity of your pain.” Dr. Larry Crabb.

God’s word reminds us that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and who has no one to help them up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). We truly do need each other.

The next time you want to help someone on their grief journey, and you are not sure what to say or do, just pray and ask God to show you how you might respond. He will guide you and give you the right words and or actions that will help heal the grief wounds born in the heart of your friend.

Yours in faith,

Tom

P.S. Here is a list of things one might want to communicate to someone seeking to care for your wounded heart.

Be a quiet listener and let me talk about my loved one and share memories.

Ignoring one's grief does not make it go away.

If I am sad, let me be sad. Do not try to cheer me up. It’s important for me to feel the emotions I am feeling.

Sometimes it may appear that I am functioning fine and that I am doing well. Understand that outward appearances can be deceiving.

The Bible has countless examples of people experiencing and expressing their grief. Even Jesus wept over the death of his friend. So being spiritual, or having faith, doesn’t mean I won’t deal with sorrow.

Don’t make comments about next year being better or time healing my wounds; My concerns are focused on the here and now.

Understand that I can’t do everything I used to do in the past, but don’t hesitate to invite me to do things anyway.

Let me cry if I need to. You don’t have to say anything- just hand me tissues and be there for me.

Understand that grief can go on for a number of years. There is no established time limit. 

Please, don't make judgments about how long it's taking me to grieve.  

                    Adapted from a previous Leadership Thought

Leadership Thought: Are You a Pro Active Communicator?

The key to connecting with people is to be proactive, to be the first one to initiate the conversation. “Hello, my name is Tom. What is yours?”  or “I don’t think I know you, could you tell me your name?”   

To take the initiative in greeting someone may seem a little awkward or uncomfortable for you if you are on the introverted side, but once you do it a few times you will become more comfortable in initiating that conversation. You will be surprised by how many friends you will make doing this. Relationships must have a beginning, and if you’ll ‘make the first move’ you may discover you are talking to your next best friend.

I have found a helpful way of building on your initial greeting and that is to ask the person, “Tell me your story.” They may look at you rather strangely, perhaps even puzzled, and then I might add. “ I’d love to hear more about you. Tell me what brought you here this morning?”

This morning, I had breakfast with one of my best friends who is a hospice chaplain, and he told me he always seeks to do a “life review” with everyone  he visits for the first time. He wants to hear the person share important events or experiences that have shaped and impacted his/her life.  In doing so, he often finds common ground that he and the one visited can build on.

There is a significant story to be learned from everyone you meet, but you may never discover that story unless you take the first step in initiating the conversation.

As Oprah Winfrey has said, “everyone has the need to be seen and heard,” and good listeners are adept at connecting with people by exercising good listening skills.

By the way the person I rode to breakfast with this morning was a person I led to Christ almost thirty years ago, largely by asking good questions and then being careful to be a good listener.

‘Hit and run evangelism’ can sometimes work, but more often than not most people come to Christ through relationships, or friendship evangelism, which is built upon extensive conversations with a friend who listens and cares before sharing his/her faith. At least that’s been my experience. What is yours?

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: Home from the Hospital Too Tired to Write a Leadership Thought But...

Dear Friends,

After ten hours at the Jersey Shore Hospital, I arrived home late last night after experiencing a lengthy heart catheterization. Thanks to the skilled hands of  Dr. Unapati, and the wonderful nurses and staff at the hospital, I am home, exhaustive, but feeling  better after the insertion of a stent that now keeps open an artery that was 80 percent blocked.

I am grateful for all of you who encouraged me with your calls and e-mails, but I am most thankful for those of you who prayed for me during this procedure. 

I woke up extremely tired this morning, so I was especially grateful for the message forwarded to me by a friend and member of our church, who himself recently arrived home from another hospital after suffering a heart related issue. Thank you, Andrew Karycinski, for the message you sent me and which I have used for today's Leadership Thought. I am sorry that I can't give attribution to the writer of the story as none was given in this message that Andrew forwarded to me.

"When 79-year-old George retired, he didn’t buy a golf club or a hammock. He hung a handmade sign in his garage window: “Broken things? Bring ’em here. No charge. Just tea and talk.”

His neighbors in the faded mill town of Maple Grove thought he’d lost it. “Who fixes stuff for free?” grumbled the barber. But George had a reason. His wife, Ruth, had spent decades repairing torn coats and cracked picture frames for anyone who knocked. “Waste is a habit,” she’d say. “Kindness is the cure.” She’d died the year before, and George’s hands itched to mend what she’d left behind.

The first visitor was 8-year-old Mia, dragging a plastic toy truck with a missing wheel. “Dad says we can’t afford a new one,” she mumbled. George rummaged through his toolbox, humming. An hour later, the truck rolled again—this time with a bottle cap for a wheel and a strip of silver duct tape. “Now it’s custom ,” he winked. Mia left smiling, but her mother lingered. “Can you… fix a résumé?” she asked. “I’ve been stuck on the couch since the factory closed.”

By noon, George’s garage buzzed. A widow brought a shattered clock (“My husband wound it every Sunday”). A teen carried a leaky backpack. George fixed them all, but he didn’t work alone. Retired teachers proofread résumés. A former seamstress stitched torn backpacks. Even Mia returned, handing him a jar of jam: “Mom says thanks for the job interview.”

Then came the complaint.

“Unlicensed business,” snapped the city inspector. “You’re violating zoning laws.”

Maple Grove’s mayor, a man with a spreadsheet heart, demanded George shut down. The next morning, 40 townsfolk stood on George’s lawn, holding broken toasters, torn quilts, and protest signs: “Fix the law, not just stuff!” A local reporter filmed a segment: “Is kindness illegal?”

The mayor caved. Sort of.

“If you want to ‘fix’ things, do it downtown,” he said. “Rent the old firehouse. But no guarantees.”

The firehouse became a hive. Volunteers gutted it, painted it sunshine yellow, and dubbed it “Ruth’s Hub.” Plumbers taught plumbing. Teenagers learned to darn socks. A baker swapped muffins for repaired microwaves. The town’s waste dropped by 30%.

But the real magic? Conversations. A lonely widow fixed a lamp while a single dad patched a bike tire. They talked about Ruth. About loss. About hope.

Last week, George found a note in his mailbox. It was from Mia, now 16, interning at a robotics lab. “You taught me to see value in broken things. I’m building a solar-powered prosthetic arm. PS: The truck still runs!”

Today, 12 towns across the state have “Fix-It Hubs.” None charge money. All serve tea.

Funny, isn’t it? How a man with a screwdriver can rebuild a world."

Let this story reach more hearts.

“‘Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You.” Jeremiah 32:17 NKJV.

Thanks again Andrew for sending this to me.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: A Trip to the Hospital and a Letter from My Granddaughter That Made Me Feel Valued

Dear Friends,

Good leaders value people and people love to be around people like that. They focus on you, are interested in you, and whenever you are around them they make you feel special and important.

One of the best ways to value people is to find ways to express your thanks and appreciation for them.

In a few minutes  I am going into the hospital  for a procedure, and on my desk I found a letter from my 12 year old granddaughter.

“Dear Poppy

I know you have surgery today and I want you to feel as much love as you give to others. The best part is that you don’t even feel the operation. Isn’t that funny?  And when you come home, we’ll celebrate. Here are some things that you are: You are brave. You are kind. You are smart. You are funny. You are passionate. And most of all… YOU GOT THIS!!!!!!!!

Love. Reese"

Did I feel valued? You bet.

It didn’t take much time for little Reese to make me feel valued.

And so, what did I do? I went out and picked the first blooming flower from my hydrangea tree and gave it to her as I thanked her for her sweet words.

Yes, when you value others, that value often boomerangs.

When you value someone there is an immediate connection between the valuer and the one being valued.

You can compound that value when you not only value someone privately, but when you value them in front of others. Privately being valued is a wonderful thing, but when you are publicly valued in front of others, that value is compounded. “You not only value me, but others know you value me as well”

Is there someone today who might be encouraged because you took the time to  value them? Your note, call, or visit will not only bless them, but it will bless you as well. Just do it! You’ll be glad you did.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

 

Leadership Thought: Why Your Good Works Will Never Get You to Heaven

Dear Friends

I remember taking a course on Evangelism a number of years ago while attending an Evangelism Explosion clinic in Fort Lauderdale Florida. One of the speakers made an interesting point in instructing those in the class when he said. "In witnessing to an unbeliever, you must tell people a hundred times that our salvation has nothing to do with our good works." 

Now the speaker was exaggerating to make the point that today there are still many people who think heaven depends on what they do and not what Jesus did, and so when sharing your faith with someone you need to emphasize again and again that no one can, or will be saved and go to heaven. because of what they do or did. Plainly put, good works have nothing to do with one's eternal destiny. Good works are not the root of our salvation, but the fruit of our salvation. 

Good works are the product of a person's life who has been saved by God's grace and who now simply wants to express his/her love to God for what He has done for them in granting them eternal life. 

There is no greater expression of this reality than when Paul writes to the Ephesian church and states, "For it is by grace, you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesian 2:8-9) . Yes, it is God's grace that saves you, or as someone writes acrostically, grace is God's Riches At Christ's Expense.

But you ask, doesn't what we do have anything to do with our salvation, and the answer is no; it has nothing to do with our salvation.  Salvation is all of Him and none of me, for as someone writes, "Nothing in my hands I bring, but simply to the cross I cling." 

But what about my works? Don't they count for anything? Yes, they count towards your rewards in heaven, but nothing more. Our good works are the loving result of our gratitude for what God has done for us in saving us.

Paul writes in verse 10 of Ephesians 2, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Our good works spring from the gratitude we share because of what God has done for us in saving us. Yes, as mentioned, they are the "fruit" and not the "root" of our salvation.

Pastor and evangelist Greg Laurie recently shared the following message in one of his devotions. "It may come as a surprise to some, but there will be people in Hell whom others would define as good people."

"On the other hand, there will be people in Heaven who lived bad lives, but they repented of their sin."

"You can be a good person, relatively speaking, but you’re not good enough. You may think you will get to Heaven on your own good works, but of course you won’t. That’s how you might end up in Hell."

"Being good doesn’t get you to Heaven. The Bible tells us, “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23 NLT). But it also says, “There is one God and one Mediator who can reconcile God and humanity—the man Christ Jesus. He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone” (1 Timothy 2:5–6 NLT)."

"Jesus himself said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6 NLT).

"There’s only one way to Heaven, and that is being forgiven by God. Heaven is not for good people; it’s for forgiven people."

"So, the real question is this: Are you forgiven?"

"Have you said to God, “I know I’m a sinner. I know I don’t deserve to go to Heaven, but you’ve offered me this wonderful promise that I can go there some day. I want to. So, I want to believe in You”?

"That’s really what it comes down to. You have to admit your sin and believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sin. Turn from that sin. Ask God to forgive you of that sin and begin to follow Christ. When you do, you can know with certainty that you’ll go to Heaven."

Have you done this? He’s just a prayer away.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: Checklist for a Pulpit That Equips

Dear Friends,

Now that I am semi-retired, I have the freedom to worship in different churches on Sundays. I appreciate experiencing the variety of services-music, fellowship, preaching styles, and the overall reaction to visitors.

 One of the aspects I am particularly interested in noting is whether the pastor’s message provides a clear life application for the listener.

I might hear a well delivered message with excellent exegesis and a clear sermon outline, but frequently  one thing is missing- the message is lacking life application.

 It may be an excellent bible study, but it fails to equip the listener with specific and practical ways to live out the biblical truths of the message.

We are not only "to be hearers of the word but doers of the word," and helping the hearer translate what he hears into what he does is an important part of the teacher’s responsibility.

The Bible is clear about the responsibility of the pastor-teacher  to "equip the saints for the work of ministry," and pulpit teaching is a very important way that this goal is achieved.

One seminary professor who teaches preaching recently stated that leaving out practical application for the message is the number one problem in preaching today.

People may hear a wonderful message, but how will it make a visible difference in the way the hearer lives?  

Part of a pastor’s responsibility in preaching is to equip members for service, and he misses an important opportunity to equip his members to live out their faith when he fails to provide them with specific ways to do it.

Too often our preaching assumes that our hearers will make the connection between the 'what' and the 'how to'- the message and the ministry. We expect our hearers to figure out the application for themselves, but often they don’t know how to do this.

We may conclude it is the work of the Holy Spirit to do the application but are we not the tool of the Holy Spirit and are we not responsible to help hearers discover specific ways  the message applies to their lives?

The Holy Spirit may be speaking through us, but our people are not always making the connection between the message and their ministry. They may not know that every member is a minister, and so they wonder what the ministry looks like for them. How does what I hear help me impact and influence the lives of those around me? 

Pastors may spend large amounts of time developing their messages and yet spend little or no time providing specific ways the hearer can live out the truth of the message.

"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." (1 Corinthians 8: 1), and many of us have known believers who are storehouses of biblical knowledge, and yet are carnal and combative, always trying to hammer truth into people's lives. Such people are in desperate need of learning how to live out and apply the pulpit truths that can impact the lives of their friends and neighbors.

Some worshippers may have enough faith to move mountains, and yet if they don’t learn practical ways to express that love they gain nothing (1 Corinthians 13: 2)

Each Sunday, worshiping should come away from the service with concrete ideas of how to put into practice the message they have heard.

 I close with some questions teachers might ask to insure they are equipping members to link biblical truth with biblical action

1. Am I modeling the conviction that the Bible is an equipping manual?

2. Do I write equipping goals for each sermon?

3. Do I remind people that we are all learners called to use our gifts in ministry, and do I challenge and encourage them to accept their role as ministers?

4. Am I modeling that I am just a learner like everyone else, and that I too need to be equipped?

5. Do people walk out of the service able to verbalize specific things they can do to live out the message they have heard?

Those in the pulpit are the Holy Spirit’s tool to help equip every member for ministry. We are bridge builders, connecting the timeless truths found in God’s Word with today’s culture, and in doing so, helping transform hearers of the Word into doers of the Word.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: Are You a Missionary of in Need of a Missionary

Dear Friends,

The author Mark Cahill, a traveling evangelist, titled one of his books, The One Thing You Can’t Do in Heaven. He  points out that the one thing you will be unable to do is to share your faith with unbelievers, for there won’t be any there.

The only time you and I have to share our faith in Jesus is on this side of eternity, and I wonder how we are doing. 

It's easy to lose the kind of passion and zeal we once enjoyed when we first came to know Christ. 

Whenever we become aware of this happening, we need to ask God to restore that passion and zeal and to give us a greater desire and intentionality to share our faith.

The great preacher of yesteryear, Charles Spurgeon, asks a penetrating question. “Have you no wish for others to be saved? (If not)”, “then you are not saved yourself.” The One Thing You Can’t Do in Heaven, Mark Cahill, p 55. Now I wouldn’t go as far as Spurgeon to say you are not saved if you never witness,  but I do believe a lack of witnessing can be an indication of a lack of spiritual passion and maturity.

Would that more of us would be like the great missionary David Brainerd, who was  consumed by one ambition and that was to win souls for the Kingdom. He wrote in his diary,  "I cared not where or how I lived or what hardships I endured, so that I could but gain souls for Christ. While I was asleep, I dreamt of such things and when I waked the first thing I thought of was winning souls to Christ.” George Whitefield shared a similar ambition, when he wrote, “If God did not give me souls, I believe I would die.”

Evangelism must never become a special task for special people at special times, but it should be the normal task for all the church- all the time. It is a ministry for God's rank and file. Each one of us needs to be alert for opportunities to witness to others about our love for our Savior.

Peter writes, “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with  gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander” (1 Peter 3: 15-16).  

Danny Lehmann, author of Beautiful Feet: Steps to a Lifestyle of Evangelism, writes, “There is a difference between speaking truth in love and loving to speak the truth. Too many who could be followers of Christ are lost because someone bludgeoned them to death with the gospel truth. They may have spoken the truth, but they failed to do it in love, and so the lost remained lost, and the soul became hardened to future witnessing efforts.  We need to love people into the Kingdom with both our lives as well as our lips, and there is a need for both of these evangelistic approaches.”

Danny told how his friend Ray Comfort, another traveling evangelist, promised to give $1,000 if anyone could ever catch him without a gospel tract on his person. Once an inspiring opportunist grabbed Ray after he got out of a swimming pool- hoping to be an instant winner. Ray smiled as he pulled  a plastic - wrapped tract out of his swim trunks (Beautiful Feet, Danny Lehman, p. 15)

Ray Comfort is always ready to give a reason for the hope he has, and likewise we too should be ready as well. We don't need to pray for opportunities to witness, for they are all around us. We need to pray for boldness to seize and speak a word for Jesus. And yes, don't be caught without a witnessing tool.  So, get out that plastic bag, insert a “4 Spiritual Laws” or whatever witnessing tool you use, and get on with the task of gossiping the gospel.

And remember, you are either a missionary or you are in need of one.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom