Leadership Thought: What to Say and
Do to Your Friend with a Grieving Heart.
Dear Friends,
For several years I sought to establish
a Grief Share group in our church. I was never able to identify those who were
willing to lead the ministry. However, much to my surprise, it wouldn't be
until my wife died that two people would come forward to start and lead the
ministry. For this, I will forever be thankful.
For over 25 years Grief Share has
helped over one million people heal from the pain of grief.
If you are walking on the grief
journey, I highly recommend this program. Through videos and group discussion
those participating have the opportunity to learn how and how not to grieve.
At last night's meeting
we discussed how grief can impact your friendships.
At one time or another
people seeking to aid the one in grief will say or do the wrong thing.
"At least they're not suffering anymore."
"They're in a better place, "Time heals all wounds," are all
familiar expressions the grieving person may often hear.
Even the most well- meaning friends and family members can
say things that may make you feel hurt and angry.
You might be tempted to avoid interacting with such people
because they don't understand what you're going through, but it is important to
remember that not all people know how to act or what to say when they are
around grieving people.
Last night I learned that one third of your friends will
not be helpful, one third will be somewhat helpful and one third become those
whom you will rely and depend upon as you go through grief.
I have found these statistics to be true. Those one third
who have been most helpful are those possessing certain characteristics.
They are not afraid to ask how you are doing and really
mean it.
They are empathetic and good listeners. They feel your pain
and are not uncomfortable dealing with your emotional highs and lows.
They
periodically stay in touch and understand that those grieving need to know you
care and that you have not forgotten them.
They understand that more than anything else the grieving
person wants to talk about their loved one, and they look to provide
opportunities for you share your memories about them.
Those in that last group have been such a blessing to
me. Whether through phone calls, letters, e-mails, or personal visits,
they continue to check up on me and show me how much they care.
Through my grief journey, I have
learned that even those who would like to comfort you feel uncomfortable doing
so, and while they might desire to be of help, they have little idea what
you need or what you are going through.
I've
learned that you need patience with such people and not place unrealistic
expectations on them.
I've learned to respond with love when they say or do the
wrong thing, or when they act like nothing is wrong and seem surprised to
discover that while you may seem well on the outside, on the inside your heart
is breaking.
Proverbs reminds us to be gracious with such people.
"A person's wisdom yield's patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an
offense."(Proverbs 19:11)
I've learned to rely on God and upon those friends who do
understand, and who do seek ways to show their love and concern.
I have
learned that isolation is the worst route the grieving person can take, and
good relationships are essential and are needed more than ever.
“When grief is overwhelming, the
most natural tendency is to hide. But once you are willing to look bad in the
presence of love, in the presence of somebody who doesn’t back away, that’s
going to make a big difference in your life. Shutting yourself off from other
people only prolongs the intensity of your pain.” Dr. Larry Crabb.
God’s word reminds us that "Two are better than
one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls
down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and who has no one
to help them up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). We truly do need each other.
The next time you want to help someone on their grief
journey, and you are not sure what to say or do, just pray and ask God to show
you how you might respond. He will guide you and give you the right words and
or actions that will help heal the grief wounds born in the heart of your
friend.
Yours in faith,
Tom
P.S. Here is a list of things one might want to communicate
to someone seeking to care for your wounded heart.
Be a quiet listener and
let me talk about my loved one and share memories.
Ignoring my grief does
not make it go away.
If I am sad, let me be
sad. Do not try to cheer me up. It’s important for me to feel the emotions I am
feeling.
Sometimes it may appear
that I am functioning fine and that I am doing well. Understand that outward
appearances can be deceiving.
The Bible has countless
examples of people experiencing and expressing their grief. Even Jesus wept
over the death of his friend. So being spiritual, or having faith, doesn’t mean
I won’t deal with sorrow.
Don’t make comments
about next year being better or time healing my wounds; My concerns are focused
on the here and now.
Understand that I can’t do everything I used to do in the
past, but don’t hesitate to invite me to do things anyway.
Let me cry if I need
to. You don’t have to say anything- just hand me tissues and be there for me.
Understand that grief can go on for
a number of years. There is no established time limit.
Please, don't make
judgments about how long it's taking me to grieve.
