Leadership Thought: A Follow Up to What I've Learned on My Journey Through Grief Since the Loss of My Best Friend, Jean

Dear Friends.

Last night at our Grief Share meeting, several of us expressed experiencing the pain of being with friends who were reluctant to acknowledge our loss, let alone talk about it. There were no, “How are you feeling,” or “What can I do for you,” but simply silence when it came to the discussion of our loss.

I remember the many times I wanted to talk about Jean, times when I was craving the thought of having someone call me or sit with me and listen to me pour out the pain in my heart.

Unfortunately, most people today are so uncomfortable discussing death that they   ignore and avoid talking about it.

At our meeting, some of us shared how our friends acted like nothing had changed in our life, when all the while we were feeling like our world had totally collapsed around us.

I remember so wanting some of my friends to ask me how I was doing or feeling, or to give me a chance to share how much I missed my precious wife, but no one seemed to understand that more than anything the one who is grieving longs to talk about his/her feelings for their loved one.

My heart broke as I heard one of our members share how she had been with her best friends for lunch, and they talked about everything except the very thing she had hoped they would talk about: “How are you feeling and doing?”

Unfortunately, most things in life that are best learned are learned outside the classroom. Who would want to go up in a plane with a pilot who had completed reading a manual on flying but never actually had flown a plane. The same is true for those who have gone through the experience of grief. You can read all about how to handle grief, but until you have experienced its devastating consequences, I doubt you can fully understand or appreciate its impact.

Let me acknowledge I am no expert on the subject, but I am learning a lot about it as I walk my own personal grief journey, and what I have learned is based more on my own personal experience and my conversations with others than on anything I have learned in reading about it. 

In learning about grief, I suspect personal experience may be the best teacher 

I know everyone is different and not everyone will experience grief in the same way, but there are some general guidelines that are important to keep in mind when personally dealing with someone who is going through the pain of loss.

1. You can't rush it. Everyone's timetable will be different, so don't be surprised if it takes some people longer than others to work through it. Be patient with those going through it and let them go through it at their own pace. Grief is one thing you can't hurry.

2. It is helpful to have caring and understanding people around as you go through it. One of the most helpful things for me has been having friends in the church stop by or regularly call to check in to see how I am doing. Knowing that someone loves and cares for you and is praying for you has been invaluable to me as I work through my sadness. One of the reasons I travel to Florida is to be with friends and family who I know will be there to support and encourage me. The constant consistent concern of those who care about you can help immeasurably as one goes through their time of grieving.

3. Be present with the one who grieves. As my family and I were together with Jean during the last two weeks of her life, we were fortunate to have several friends who were constantly present with us. Often, they would say nothing, but their presence was comforting and reassuring. Sometimes as the popular song says, "You say it best when you say nothing at all." Thanks Teddie, Dan, Harriett and others whose presence supported me and our family through the difficult time of our grieving. 

4.  Be a good listener. Allow the griever to share his/her pain and then communicate you are happy to listen to them without judgement and without an agenda. This is not the time to share unsolicited advice on what they should do or how they should feel. No one wants to hear sermons when they are grieving. Don't say you know how they are feeling or what they are experiencing for you don't.

5. Be proactive. Often those grieving are reluctant to ask for help or express their needs. Look for little, practical things you can do to help-making calls, tidying up the room, providing meals, cleaning out close closets or buying groceries-are all helpful ways to relieve the one who is grieving.

6. Encourage the one grieving to talk about the person they have lost. It may feel uncomfortable to do so, but the griever often finds it helpful to share experiences and memories of the one who has passed. 

7. Stay connected. Grievers often receive a lot of support for the first few months after a loss, but it is essential that you stay connected, and that you check in with them for months down the road. Long-term care is important for the one who is grieving and knowing that there are people who will continue to support and care for them is an important part of the recovery process.

8. Assure the one grieving that it is alright and normal to cry and express their emotions. I find myself susceptible to sudden and unexpected bouts of grief when I hear a song or some personal memory comes flooding into my mind triggering my emotions, and I  break down and start crying uncontrollably. At such times it is important to assure the griever you are comfortable in the presence of their tears. 

Good Grief, by Granger Westberg, is a short but classic book on grief that I would recommend to anyone wanting to know more about the subject of grief. Granger writes "One of the great faults of intellectual Protestantism is that it has tended to stifle emotion. The Sunday services have more resembled a lecture series than a worship experience. We must not and need not apologize for emotions in our religious experience, nor need we apologize for it in our grief. (pp. 22-23)

I know who my close friends are. They are the ones I can cry with and not be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable doing so.

While in Florida I visited a friend who had recently lost her husband after a three-year battle with brain cancer. She sent me the following quote: "Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It is all the love you want to give but cannot. All the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."   

Hopefully those of us who have the opportunity to deal with those who grieve can help our grieving friends find a place for their love to go.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: Good Leaders Possess the Ability to Laugh at Themselves.

Dear Friends,

Those who know me know that I enjoy laughter. I think laughter is a very important part of leadership, and that one of a leader’s responsibilities is to create an environment where laughter and joy are always present realities in the workplace.

Great leaders have the ability to laugh at themselves. One day Abraham Lincoln was giving a speech when a heckler kept repeatedly  interrupting him shouting, “Lincoln you are two faced.” Finally, Lincoln stopped his message and turned to his critic and replied. “Sir, if I am two faced, do you think I would still be wearing the face I have?”

Oswald Sanders, author of Spiritual Leadership, writes about the importance of humor. He quotes a brief comment by the late German theologian and preacher Helmet Thielecke who asks, “Should we not see that lines of laughter about the eyes are just as just as much a mark of faith as are the lines of care and seriousness? Is it only earnestness that is baptized? Is laughter pagan?... a church is in a bad way when it banishes laughter from its sanctuary and leaves It to the cabaret, nightclub, and the toastmasters. Spiritual Leadership, Oswald Sanders, P. 68.

His comments made me think of a message given by the late North Carolina State basketball coach, Jimmy Valvano in 1993 shortly before his death.

Coach Valvano was one of the premier college basketball coaches of his time who was sadly struck down by cancer during the prime of his coaching career. He loved life, and he loved to make people laugh.

Coach Valvano gave a famous speech at a time when his body was filled with tumors, and he was so weak that he had to be helped to the podium by his good friend and colleague, Dick Vitale.

His remarks were moving and there was hardly a dry eye in the audience. To this day I can summarize his simple but powerful message. He taught that there are three things that everyone should do each day: “laugh, think, and cry.”

It was his first point that especially captured my attention. Every day we should take time to laugh.

All this made me think of what Duffy Daugherty, a colorful Michigan State football coach of years past once said. He remarked that “Everyone needed three bones to journey successfully through life: a wishbone, to dream on… a backbone, for strength and courage to get through the tough times… and a funny bone, to laugh at life. along the way.”  (Day by Day, Chuck Swindoll, P. 37)

Not bad advice. How important laughter is to the human soul. The scripture put it this way: “A cheerful heart is  good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” (Proverbs. 17: 22.)

One of the qualities that endears others to us is our ability to laugh and to make others laugh. How important it is not to be afraid to laugh at ourselves, or in a loving way to  help others to be comfortable in laughing at themselves. The famous preacher Charles Spurgeon really loved life. His favorite sound, it was said, was laughter, and he would frequently lean  back in the pulpit and roar over something that struck him funny. His laughter was a winsome aspect of his personality.

One of my favorite speakers is Tony Campolo, a speaker, pastor and author who taught for many years at Eastern College in Philadelphia Pa.

He shares the following story in his book The Kingdom of God Is a Party. He writes, “One day I got on an elevator in the World Trade Center in New York City. It was one of those express elevators that goes fifty floors without making a stop. The elevator was filled with briefcase- bearing, somber businessmen on their way to heavy meetings.”

“As I got on the elevator, a feeling of fun ran through me. And, instead of turning and facing the door, as we all are socialized to do, I just stood there facing the people. When the elevator doors closed, I smiled coyly and announced, ‘we’re going to be traveling together for quite a while, you know.’ And then, I added, 'what do you say we all sing?’”

“The reaction was wonderful. They did! You should have been there as dozens or so businessmen threw aside their seriousness and joined in a ringing rendition of “You Are My Sunshine.”

“By the time the elevator got to the 50^th floor, we were all laughing”. 

Being a Christian on that elevator was turning some men made numb by the affairs of the world, into party animals .” The Kingdom of God is a Party, P.P. 118-119.

It seems to me that if the Bible can use such words as celebrate, rejoice, and Hallelujah, then our lives should exude the same biblical vitality.

So, let’s ‘party hearty’ you party animals for if the Kingdom of God is a party, I don’t want to miss the fun.

Yours in faith and friendship

Tom.

Leadership Thought: A Misplaced Hope for All Those Concerned  about the Outcome of the Election.

Dear Friends,

Six weeks ago, I decided to stop flipping channels to watch and listen to the latest perspectives on the political campaign.

For the first time in my life, I purposely chose to become apolitical.

I recognized I was spending far too much time talking, listening and worrying about the results of the election.

I had witnessed friendships being ruined over conflicting political views, and I was not about to let that happen to any of my friendships.

As I listened to the lies and falsehoods being perpetrated daily, and the hate being spewed by both parties, I finally reached the point of saying 'enough is enough,' and I decided I was no longer going to let my mental wellbeing be impacted by which candidate was now ahead in one of the primary battleground states.

Some of my friends couldn’t understand my sudden withdrawal from political discourse, since I had previously possessed such strong feelings regarding the election’s outcome.

But having made the choice to temporarily abstain from watching the political news, I found myself a lot happier and a lot less anxious about the election’s outcome.

And when I read the devotional below by Dave Burchette, I was embarrassed to be reminded of  the source of my  political anxiety, which was none other than my “Misplaced Hope,” which simply reflected my lack of trust in the One who rules and overrules and whose sovereign plan will prevail regardless of man's desires and intentions.

I trust that if any of you are like me, you will find the message below helpful in assuaging any fears you might possess concerning the outcome of our election.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Why Misplaced Hope Makes Life So Hard by Dave Burchett It is more than a little disconcerting to see the division, anger, and hatred we are witnessing in our country. I experienced a similar season in the late 1960's but this one seems even more intense. Perhaps social media and 24 hour news exacerbates the tension. As a self-righteous know-it-all back then I thought we would be able to fix everything my parent's generation had messed up. We had great hope that we would change the system and fix the problems. We thought that hope would be realized with the right leader or a political party. In retrospect I see that I was putting my long game hope in all the wrong places.  The word hope is used about 80 times in the New Testament. The first appearance of the word in the NIV New Testament translation pretty much lays out my belief that my hope is not found in the houses of power. “In his name (Jesus) the nations will put their hope.” (Matthew 12, NIV) Paul wrote about the hope that I now have in his letter to the Romans. I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13, NIV) Real hope occurs when I remember who I am.  I am a follower of Jesus. A child of God. A servant who is humbled by His amazing grace. A person who has been changed because of Christ. A follower of the Lord who believes that God is sovereign and His plan will be fulfilled.  When those truths are my focus I have hope that is real. I have peace that transcends circumstance. When I keep my eyes on Jesus, I maintain a better perspective on every area of my life. You do that by remembering what really matters. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like Him. In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and He lives in all of us. (Colossians 3:10-11, NLT) I remember a campfire song from the Jesus movement that was, to borrow the approach of Law and Order, “ripped” from the Gospel of Matthew. (Matthew 6:33) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Allelu, alleluia Who (or what) are you centering your hope on today? Hope grows when you seek Jesus and rest in His Righteousness. Nothing else makes sense.