Dear Friends.
Last night at our Grief Share
meeting, several of us expressed experiencing the pain of being with friends
who were reluctant to acknowledge our loss, let alone talk about it. There were
no, “How are you feeling,” or “What can I do for you,” but simply silence when
it came to the discussion of our loss.
I remember the many times
I wanted to talk about Jean, times when I was craving the thought of having
someone call me or sit with me and listen to me pour out the pain in my heart.
Unfortunately, most people
today are so uncomfortable discussing death that they ignore and
avoid talking about it.
At our meeting, some of us
shared how our friends acted like nothing had changed in our life, when all the
while we were feeling like our world had totally collapsed around us.
I remember so wanting some
of my friends to ask me how I was doing or feeling, or to give me a chance to
share how much I missed my precious wife, but no one seemed to understand that
more than anything the one who is grieving longs to talk about his/her feelings
for their loved one.
My heart broke as I heard
one of our members share how she had been with her best friends for lunch, and
they talked about everything except the very thing she had hoped they would
talk about: “How are you feeling and doing?”
Unfortunately, most things
in life that are best learned are learned outside the classroom. Who would want
to go up in a plane with a pilot who had completed reading a manual on flying
but never actually had flown a plane. The same is true for those who have gone
through the experience of grief. You can read all about how to handle grief,
but until you have experienced its devastating consequences, I doubt you can
fully understand or appreciate its impact.
Let me acknowledge I am no
expert on the subject, but I am learning a lot about it as I walk my own
personal grief journey, and what I have learned is based more on my own
personal experience and my conversations with others than on anything
I have learned in reading about it.
In learning about
grief, I suspect personal experience may be the best
teacher
I know everyone is
different and not everyone will experience grief in the same way, but there are
some general guidelines that are important to keep in mind when
personally dealing with someone who is going through the pain of loss.
1. You can't rush it.
Everyone's timetable will be different, so don't be surprised if it
takes some people longer than others to work through it. Be patient with
those going through it and let them go through it
at their own pace. Grief is one thing you can't hurry.
2. It is helpful to have
caring and understanding people around as you go through it. One of
the most helpful things for me has been having friends in the church stop
by or regularly call to check in to see how I am doing.
Knowing that someone loves and cares for you and
is praying for you has been invaluable to me as I
work through my sadness. One of the reasons
I travel to Florida is to be with friends and family who I know
will be there to support and encourage me. The constant consistent concern
of those who care about you can help immeasurably as one goes through
their time of grieving.
3. Be present with the one
who grieves. As my family and I were together with Jean during the
last two weeks of her life, we were fortunate to have several friends
who were constantly present with us. Often, they would say nothing,
but their presence was comforting and reassuring. Sometimes as the popular song
says, "You say it best when you say nothing at all." Thanks Teddie,
Dan, Harriett and others whose presence supported me and our family through the
difficult time of our grieving.
4. Be
a good listener. Allow the griever to share his/her pain and
then communicate you are happy to listen to them without judgement and without
an agenda. This is not the time to share unsolicited advice on what they should
do or how they should feel. No one wants to hear sermons when they are
grieving. Don't say you know how they are feeling or what they
are experiencing for you don't.
5. Be proactive. Often
those grieving are reluctant to ask for help or
express their needs. Look for little, practical
things you can do to help-making calls, tidying up the room,
providing meals, cleaning out close closets or buying groceries-are
all helpful ways to relieve the one who is grieving.
6. Encourage the one
grieving to talk about the person they have lost. It may feel uncomfortable to
do so, but the griever often finds it helpful to share experiences
and memories of the one who has passed.
7.
Stay connected. Grievers often receive a lot of support for the
first few months after a loss, but it
is essential that you stay connected, and that
you check in with them for months down the road. Long-term care is
important for the one who is grieving and knowing that there are
people who will continue to support and care for them is an important part of
the recovery process.
8. Assure the one grieving
that it is alright and normal to cry and express their emotions. I find myself
susceptible to sudden and unexpected bouts of grief when I hear a
song or some personal memory comes flooding into my mind triggering my emotions,
and I break down and start crying uncontrollably. At such times it is
important to assure the griever you are comfortable in
the presence of their tears.
Good
Grief, by Granger Westberg, is a short
but classic book on grief that I would recommend to anyone wanting to
know more about the subject of grief. Granger writes "One of the great
faults of intellectual Protestantism is that it has tended to stifle emotion.
The Sunday services have more resembled a lecture series than a worship
experience. We must not and need not apologize for emotions in our religious
experience, nor need we apologize for it in our grief. (pp. 22-23)
I know who my close
friends are. They are the ones I can cry with and not be embarrassed or feel
uncomfortable doing so.
While in Florida I visited
a friend who had recently lost her husband after a three-year battle
with brain cancer. She sent me the following quote: "Grief, I've
learned, is really just love. It is all the love you want to give but cannot.
All the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your
throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place
to go."
Hopefully those of us who
have the opportunity to deal with those who grieve can help our
grieving friends find a place for their love to go.
Yours in faith and
friendship,
Tom
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