Leadership Thought: What to Say and Do with a Friend with a Grieving Heart 

Dear Friends,

For over 25 years Grief Share has helped over one million people heal from the pain of grief. 

If you are walking your grief journey, or know of someone who is, I highly recommend this program. Through videos and group discussion those participating have the opportunity to learn how and how not to grieve.

At one of the meetings we discussed how grief can impact one's friendships.

Often friends seeking to aid the one in grief will say or do the wrong thing.

"At least they're not suffering anymore." "They're in a better place, "Time heals all wounds," are all familiar expressions the grieving person may often hear.

Even the most well- meaning friends and family members can say things that may make you feel hurt and angry.

You might be tempted to avoid interacting with such people because they don't understand what you are going through, but it is important to remember that not all people know how to act or what to  say when they are around grieving people.   

 It has been said that one third of your friends will not be helpful, one third will be somewhat helpful and one third will become those whom you will rely and depend upon as you go through grief.

I have found these statistics to be true. Those one third who have been most helpful are those possessing certain characteristics.

They are not afraid to ask how you are doing and really mean it.

They are empathetic and good listeners. They feel your pain and are not uncomfortable dealing with your emotional highs and lows.

They periodically stay in touch and understand that those grieving need to know you care and that you have not forgotten them.

They understand that more than anything else the grieving person wants to talk about their loved one, and they look to provide opportunities for you share your memories about them. 

Those in that last  group have been such a blessing to me. Whether through phone calls, letters, e-mails, or personal visits, they continue to check up on me and show me how much they care.

Through my grief journey, I have learned that even those who would like to comfort you feel uncomfortable doing so, and while they might desire to be of help, they have little  idea what you need or what you are going through.

I've learned that you need patience with such people and not place unrealistic expectations on them.

I've learned to respond with love when they say or do the wrong thing, or when they act like nothing is wrong and seem surprised to discover that while you may seem well on the outside, on the inside your heart is breaking.

Proverbs reminds us to be gracious with such people. "A person's wisdom yield's patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense."(Proverbs 19:11)

I've learned to rely on God and upon those friends who do understand, and who do seek ways to show their love and concern.

I have learned that isolation is the worst route the grieving person can take, and good relationships are essential and are needed more than ever. 

“When grief is overwhelming, the most natural tendency is to hide. But once you are willing to look bad in the presence of love, in the presence of somebody who doesn’t back away, that’s going to make a big difference in your life. Shutting yourself off from other people only prolongs the intensity of your pain.” Dr. Larry Crabb.

God’s word reminds us that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and who has no one to help them up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). We truly do need each other.

The next time you want to help someone on their grief journey, and you are not sure what to say or do, just pray and ask God to show you how you might respond. He will guide you and give you the right words and or actions that will help heal the grief wounds born in the heart of your friend.

Yours in faith,

Tom

P.S. Here is a list of things one might want to communicate to someone seeking to care for your wounded heart.

Be a quiet listener and let me talk about my loved one and share memories.

Ignoring one's grief does not make it go away.

If I am sad, let me be sad. Do not try to cheer me up. It’s important for me to feel the emotions I am feeling.

Sometimes it may appear that I am functioning fine and that I am doing well. Understand that outward appearances can be deceiving.

The Bible has countless examples of people experiencing and expressing their grief. Even Jesus wept over the death of his friend. So being spiritual, or having faith, doesn’t mean I won’t deal with sorrow.

Don’t make comments about next year being better or time healing my wounds; My concerns are focused on the here and now.

Understand that I can’t do everything I used to do in the past, but don’t hesitate to invite me to do things anyway.

Let me cry if I need to. You don’t have to say anything- just hand me tissues and be there for me.

Understand that grief can go on for a number of years. There is no established time limit. 

Please, don't make judgments about how long it's taking me to grieve.  

                    Adapted from a previous Leadership Thought

Leadership Thought: Are You a Pro Active Communicator?

The key to connecting with people is to be proactive, to be the first one to initiate the conversation. “Hello, my name is Tom. What is yours?”  or “I don’t think I know you, could you tell me your name?”   

To take the initiative in greeting someone may seem a little awkward or uncomfortable for you if you are on the introverted side, but once you do it a few times you will become more comfortable in initiating that conversation. You will be surprised by how many friends you will make doing this. Relationships must have a beginning, and if you’ll ‘make the first move’ you may discover you are talking to your next best friend.

I have found a helpful way of building on your initial greeting and that is to ask the person, “Tell me your story.” They may look at you rather strangely, perhaps even puzzled, and then I might add. “ I’d love to hear more about you. Tell me what brought you here this morning?”

This morning, I had breakfast with one of my best friends who is a hospice chaplain, and he told me he always seeks to do a “life review” with everyone  he visits for the first time. He wants to hear the person share important events or experiences that have shaped and impacted his/her life.  In doing so, he often finds common ground that he and the one visited can build on.

There is a significant story to be learned from everyone you meet, but you may never discover that story unless you take the first step in initiating the conversation.

As Oprah Winfrey has said, “everyone has the need to be seen and heard,” and good listeners are adept at connecting with people by exercising good listening skills.

By the way the person I rode to breakfast with this morning was a person I led to Christ almost thirty years ago, largely by asking good questions and then being careful to be a good listener.

‘Hit and run evangelism’ can sometimes work, but more often than not most people come to Christ through relationships, or friendship evangelism, which is built upon extensive conversations with a friend who listens and cares before sharing his/her faith. At least that’s been my experience. What is yours?

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: Home from the Hospital Too Tired to Write a Leadership Thought But...

Dear Friends,

After ten hours at the Jersey Shore Hospital, I arrived home late last night after experiencing a lengthy heart catheterization. Thanks to the skilled hands of  Dr. Unapati, and the wonderful nurses and staff at the hospital, I am home, exhaustive, but feeling  better after the insertion of a stent that now keeps open an artery that was 80 percent blocked.

I am grateful for all of you who encouraged me with your calls and e-mails, but I am most thankful for those of you who prayed for me during this procedure. 

I woke up extremely tired this morning, so I was especially grateful for the message forwarded to me by a friend and member of our church, who himself recently arrived home from another hospital after suffering a heart related issue. Thank you, Andrew Karycinski, for the message you sent me and which I have used for today's Leadership Thought. I am sorry that I can't give attribution to the writer of the story as none was given in this message that Andrew forwarded to me.

"When 79-year-old George retired, he didn’t buy a golf club or a hammock. He hung a handmade sign in his garage window: “Broken things? Bring ’em here. No charge. Just tea and talk.”

His neighbors in the faded mill town of Maple Grove thought he’d lost it. “Who fixes stuff for free?” grumbled the barber. But George had a reason. His wife, Ruth, had spent decades repairing torn coats and cracked picture frames for anyone who knocked. “Waste is a habit,” she’d say. “Kindness is the cure.” She’d died the year before, and George’s hands itched to mend what she’d left behind.

The first visitor was 8-year-old Mia, dragging a plastic toy truck with a missing wheel. “Dad says we can’t afford a new one,” she mumbled. George rummaged through his toolbox, humming. An hour later, the truck rolled again—this time with a bottle cap for a wheel and a strip of silver duct tape. “Now it’s custom ,” he winked. Mia left smiling, but her mother lingered. “Can you… fix a résumé?” she asked. “I’ve been stuck on the couch since the factory closed.”

By noon, George’s garage buzzed. A widow brought a shattered clock (“My husband wound it every Sunday”). A teen carried a leaky backpack. George fixed them all, but he didn’t work alone. Retired teachers proofread résumés. A former seamstress stitched torn backpacks. Even Mia returned, handing him a jar of jam: “Mom says thanks for the job interview.”

Then came the complaint.

“Unlicensed business,” snapped the city inspector. “You’re violating zoning laws.”

Maple Grove’s mayor, a man with a spreadsheet heart, demanded George shut down. The next morning, 40 townsfolk stood on George’s lawn, holding broken toasters, torn quilts, and protest signs: “Fix the law, not just stuff!” A local reporter filmed a segment: “Is kindness illegal?”

The mayor caved. Sort of.

“If you want to ‘fix’ things, do it downtown,” he said. “Rent the old firehouse. But no guarantees.”

The firehouse became a hive. Volunteers gutted it, painted it sunshine yellow, and dubbed it “Ruth’s Hub.” Plumbers taught plumbing. Teenagers learned to darn socks. A baker swapped muffins for repaired microwaves. The town’s waste dropped by 30%.

But the real magic? Conversations. A lonely widow fixed a lamp while a single dad patched a bike tire. They talked about Ruth. About loss. About hope.

Last week, George found a note in his mailbox. It was from Mia, now 16, interning at a robotics lab. “You taught me to see value in broken things. I’m building a solar-powered prosthetic arm. PS: The truck still runs!”

Today, 12 towns across the state have “Fix-It Hubs.” None charge money. All serve tea.

Funny, isn’t it? How a man with a screwdriver can rebuild a world."

Let this story reach more hearts.

“‘Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You.” Jeremiah 32:17 NKJV.

Thanks again Andrew for sending this to me.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: A Trip to the Hospital and a Letter from My Granddaughter That Made Me Feel Valued

Dear Friends,

Good leaders value people and people love to be around people like that. They focus on you, are interested in you, and whenever you are around them they make you feel special and important.

One of the best ways to value people is to find ways to express your thanks and appreciation for them.

In a few minutes  I am going into the hospital  for a procedure, and on my desk I found a letter from my 12 year old granddaughter.

“Dear Poppy

I know you have surgery today and I want you to feel as much love as you give to others. The best part is that you don’t even feel the operation. Isn’t that funny?  And when you come home, we’ll celebrate. Here are some things that you are: You are brave. You are kind. You are smart. You are funny. You are passionate. And most of all… YOU GOT THIS!!!!!!!!

Love. Reese"

Did I feel valued? You bet.

It didn’t take much time for little Reese to make me feel valued.

And so, what did I do? I went out and picked the first blooming flower from my hydrangea tree and gave it to her as I thanked her for her sweet words.

Yes, when you value others, that value often boomerangs.

When you value someone there is an immediate connection between the valuer and the one being valued.

You can compound that value when you not only value someone privately, but when you value them in front of others. Privately being valued is a wonderful thing, but when you are publicly valued in front of others, that value is compounded. “You not only value me, but others know you value me as well”

Is there someone today who might be encouraged because you took the time to  value them? Your note, call, or visit will not only bless them, but it will bless you as well. Just do it! You’ll be glad you did.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom