New Monmouth Musings: Connecting with Visitors

Dear Friends,

At our last deacon meeting, the question was raised about how we as pastors seen to connect with new visitors. I shared with them how we spend time at every Monday staff meeting sharing with each other the new people we had met and those we had met in the past and yet hadn't seen for a while. As connecting pastor, I am always anxious to keep in touch with prospective members of the New Monmouth family.

And then out of curiosity asked the deacons "what are you doing to connect with people on Sundays"? They are among our church leaders, and I would expect that they would be taking the lead in greeting and welcoming people. And today I would ask of you the same question - What are you the members doing to help make people feel welcome?

Four pastors are not able to connect with every new face in the congregation. But imagine if 200 of you every Sunday would commit to not leaving the campus without introducing yourself and trying to get to know someone you had never met. They may or may not be a member, but they cared enough to come and worship with us, so we must always do everything we can to contribute to our established reputation as a 'friendly church'.

Remember it only takes one person to turn our reputation from a friendly church to an unfriendly church, so each one of you has a part to play in insuring our reputation is justified.

Let me share some thoughts that might assist you in engaging with people you don’t know. Not much is original, just notes and ideas I have tried to model over the years. I hope they might be helpful.

1. Ask questions of others and then listen. Don't ever try to be the center of attention. Get to know people's histories. Ask about their hopes and dreams and be more concerned about being impressed with them, than trying to be impressive. Speak about what they care about and always offer direction and hope.

2. Remember the "thirty second rule." In those first thirty seconds make an effort to connect with the people with whom you are talking. Remember the importance of good eye contact. Listen intently to them instead of focusing upon what you want to say. Make them look good. Find a way to thank them for something they have done or accomplished and appreciate something about them that impresses you. I might ask, “Do you know what I like about you? And then I will share one thing that stood out about them in the course of our conversation. It might be their appearance, attitude, joy, sense of humor, faithfulness . . . Whatever it is you note, be truthful and honest about what you share. Please “No phony baloney”.

3. Always find ways to enlarge or adding value to others. Enlarging others makes you larger. Believe the best about people and be willing to give your power away. Secure people love to delegate. It makes you more appreciated, and it develops a stronger connection, as well as greater self confidence in the people to whom you delegate.

4. Stop lording over people and start listening to them. Stop role playing for advancement and start risking for others' benefit. Stop seeking your own way and start serving others. Albert Schweitzer said "I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know; the ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. If you want to lead on the highest level, be willing to serve on the lowest level." (taken from the internet-“In Search of Heroes.com”)

5. Remember the three "A" letter words when you are with people: attention, affirmation and appreciation.

6. Remember "a gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself" ( Liza Kirk, American Actor, 1925-1990 taken from the intra net.”) Make sure you are numbered among the last.

While I was serving at Calvary Chapel Old Bridge and right before my message, I  challenged people to get up and greet one another, and then to remember their names and after the service to try to connect with them. I personally did just that, and as a result I made friends with two parents and their seven-year-old son. Now I confess I didn't score 100 percent on their names, but at least two out of three 'ain't' bad.  I always try to remember names by association, so after the service I walked back down to talk with them, and I got the mother's name and the child's name right. One because the mother's name was the name of one of my daughter's best friends, and the child's name was Aaron, who I associated with the Old Testament priest. But when I addressed the dad with the word Nathaniel, he corrected me and said his name was Benjamin-right biblical idea of association but wrong Testament!!!!!!!!  However, we still connected, and after the service when I was standing at the door, the family again took time to talk with me. They told me what a wonderful church it was, and how blessed Aaron was to be a part of Calvary’s special needs ministry, "Beyond Limits." 

You know people may not like the message or the music, or the sanctuary, or a number of other things about the church or the service, but one thing they will never forget is the people. Connecting and relating to people trumps any bad or negative experience a worshipper can have.

Let's start connecting, and oh yes, don't carry the memory association thing too far. Early on in my ministry, I took Jean with me to visit some new people I had met in church. Their names were the Snows. I walked up to the door, and confidently thinking I would have no problem remembering their name by association so when the door was open, I calmly said, "Jean, I want you to meet  Mrs. White." The woman calmly responded with a smile, I am Mrs. Snow. I remember that encounter to this day, and I will never forget Mrs. Snow, or is it White. Well, how about Mrs. "Snow White".

Yours in faith,

Tom