Leadership Thought: Why Men Don't Have Friends Who Are Men?

Dear Friends.

A few men in our church recently attended a "Stand Courageous"  men's conference. Present were 1,000 men, some with their sons, all eager to learn how to become the men and fathers God wants us to be.

One of the speakers was Stu Weber, a former US Army veteran, who was awarded three bronze stars as a green beret in Vietnam. Today he is a pastor and a  popular speaker who has written several books, including the 20-year bestseller Tender Warrior. 

I picked up a booklet containing excerpts from his book, Tender Warrior, and I want to share several of those excerpts with you.

Stu quotes a professor at Southern Methodist University who led a study on "Why Men Don't Have Friends Who Are Men."  

The professor writes, "To say that men have no intimate friends seems on the surface too harsh, and it raises quick objections from most men. But the data indicates that it is not far from the truth. Even the most intimate of friendships, (of which there are few) rarely approach the depth of disclosure a woman commonly has with other women.... Men, who neither bare themselves nor bear one another, are buddies in name only." (p.8)

Let's face it men. I think the professor nailed it. There is something that keeps us at arm’s length from one another. We can enjoy hunting, fishing, going to sporting events together, but when it comes down to close intimate relationships with one another, we tend to keep each other at arm’s length. 

Referring to a recent study in Britain, sociologist Mary Ann Crawford stated: "Middle- aged men and women had considerably different definitions of friendship. By an overwhelming margin, women talked about  "trust and confidentiality," while men described a friend as "someone I could go out with" or  "someone whose company I enjoy." For the most part, men's friendships revolve around activities  while women's revolve around sharing." (p.10).

Weber writes, "The warrior in us wants to be strong and needs to be strong. But we don't want to admit to any chinks in our armor. We don't want to admit to any vulnerabilities- the very element that is essential for true friendships. 0h, the vulnerabilities are there, all right. But most of us have learned to carefully hide them. Some might call that manliness. Others might more accurately label it for what it is: dishonesty...Friendships require honesty. Friendships require trust. So, it also -no way around it- requires vulnerability. I think that's the bottom line of this no- friends syndrome among us men. And it's spelled. PRIDE." (pp. 10-11)

The difference in conversations between men and women is often seen in the level of transparency, the kind of transparency that says, "I  am going to risk being open, and honest with you. I am going to let you see who I really am."

The question that men must ask of themselves is this: Are we willing to go deeper? Are we willing to be totally honest with one another about our fears, our struggles, our needs?

I am trying to do that, but it's not easy. How about you?

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

P.S. The quotes above are taken from "A Man and His Friends, Excerpts from Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber