Leadership Thought: A Simple Reminder on Making Friends and Building Relationships

Dear Friends,

John Maxwell tells a wonderful story about making good impressions.

He shares how Jenny Jerome (Winston Churchill’s mother) glided through the loftiest social circles in Great Britain. Once, on consecutive nights, Ms. Jerome dined with England’s premier politicians: Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and his chief rival, William Gladstone. When questioned about her impressions of the two men, Ms. Jerome made the following observation:

“When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman.”

Maxwell writes, “Perhaps you know leaders like Gladstone - confident individuals who exude with intelligence, and charisma. Whenever you’re around them, you cannot help but notice their charm… because they make every effort to parade their brilliance in front of you. However, I’ll wager that you’d prefer to follow someone like Disraeli, a leader who would rather draw out the best in you than strut his or her personal greatness.”

In building relationships, it is important to take the focus off yourself and focus it on others.

Last Sunday I was sitting next to a person who I noted was taking extensive notes throughout the message. I didn’t know her name, but after the service I introduced myself and told her how impressed I was with the notes she had been taking throughout the service. I affirmed her and asked when she began the habit of taking sermon notes in church. This led to a rather lengthy conversation and ultimately resulted in my making a new church friendship.

The Thirty Second Rule is a good reminder that in the first 30 seconds of meeting someone we should immediately focus our attention on them and not ourselves. We should be looking for ways to make them feel important, remembering your goal is to be impressed, never impressive.

Try to think of something encouraging to say to them. You might compliment them by saying “You have a wonderful smile”, or “you seem to be so comfortable with children”, or I couldn’t help notice how helpful you were to one of my friends.”

I sometimes will imagine that the person I am talking with is wearing a large name tag that cries out "Please help me feel important."

Someone else suggests putting your mother’s face on the person to whom you are talking  as a way of keeping your comments warm and encouraging.

During the close of the conversation, I sometimes will say to the person, “Do you know what I like about you,” and then specify something that impressed me about them.

The 30 Second Rule is no time for ‘phony baloney.’  You must always make sure your comments and compliments are  honest, genuine, and sincere.

Paul writes to the Corinthians, “We have spoken ‘honestly’ with you, and our hearts are open to you.” 2 Corinthians 6:11 NLB. This is a good reminder of the kind of speech that should mark our communication.

The 30 second rule may seem simple, but I can assure you it will improve your interaction with others.

As Mother Teresa, the Roman Catholic nun and missionary remarked, “Make sure that anyone who comes to you always leaves you happier and healthier.”

Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, shy or outgoing, that’s good advice for all of us to follow.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

Leadership Thought: The First Sermon I Ever Preached by Billy Graham

Dear Friends,

It was over 60 years ago when I charged into Rev. Allan Foster’s office and excitingly shared with him how God had changed my life while attending a Fellowship of Christian Athletes conference in Lake Geneva, Wisc.

Little did I know how that visit would impact my life.

Allan was excited to hear my story, and when I had finished, he shocked me with a question I will never forget. He asked, “Tom, how would you like to preach this Sunday?” I never expected a question like that and without thinking I enthusiastically responded "yes."

As I drove home from that meeting, reality set in, and I couldn't believe I agreed to do such a stupid thing. Preach? I had no idea how or where to begin, let alone what I would say.

I thought about calling Rev. Foster and telling him I had second thoughts about my decision, but I was too embarrassed to do so, and so I began thinking about what I might say.

And then I remembered we had some old Billy Graham "Decision" magazines around the house, and each copy always had a wonderful message by Dr. Graham.

I sorted through a number of them, and I picked out a message on the second coming of Christ. Keep in mind I hardly knew much about his first coming, let alone his second coming. 

However, I figured if the message was good enough for Billy Graham to share, it had to be good enough for me and this little congregation to hear.

I worked hard all week crafting a message that was more Dr. Graham's than mine, and when Sunday morning came, I strode to the pulpit confident that I could survive the experience without embarrassing myself too greatly.

I got off to a good start, but after a few minutes I looked down at my manuscript and noticed the clock, and I was shocked to discover I was almost finished with the message, and I had been in the pulpit less than ten minutes.

A few minutes later, I embarrassedly brought the message to a close. I apologized for my brevity, and sheepishly walked to the back of the church hoping I could sneak out of the service without having to greet a single person.

And then it happened. As I sat down, the congregation erupted in applause. I was stunned. I figured the applause must be because the service had been so short that they were excited to beat their Roman Catholic friends for breakfast at the Cherry Tree Inn. But no, they were cheering for me, not realizing they were really cheering for Dr. Graham who wrote most of my message. 

But at that point I didn’t care, as I was desperate to receive any form of affirmation I could get.

While this event took place in 1962, I still vividly remember how encouraged I felt after failing so miserably in my first pulpit attempt.

Affirmation is something one never forgets.  It has often been called the second cousin of encouragement. To affirm someone is to make them "firm," and affirmation does just that. It strengthens and fortifies us. That's what those precious people in that little Henderson, N.Y. congregation did for me. They strengthened me.

I sometimes wonder if they hadn't affirmed me the way they did, would I have ever had the courage to ever set foot in the pulpit again.

If affirming words were rarely spoken in your home, let me give you some words and phrases that you might wish to add to your vocabulary. These words are easy to speak, and they are powerful life changers, especially for the one who is drowning in self-doubt or who has been embarrassed by some past failure.

I'm proud of you, way to go,  magnificent, I knew you could do it, you're very special to me, I trust you, what a treasure you are, hooray for you, beautiful work, you're a real trooper, well done, that's so creative, you make my day, you're a joy, give me a big hug, you're such a good listener, you figured it out, I love you, I'm praying for you...You get the point! There are a lot of ways you can affirm someone.

The Apostle Paul writes, “Don’t let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29) This is a good verse to memorize.

Today, let’s all join the best club in the world: The Affirmation Booster Club.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom