Leadership Thought: Hospital Visitation for Dummies.

Dear Friends,

Please don’t be offended or insulted by the title. I know not everyone is unprepared or ill equipped when it comes to visiting people with a heavy or hurting heart, but perhaps some of us could use a little refresher course on how to make such visits more meaningful and productive.

Our deacons have been studying how to be more effective in their ministry to those in need, and we have been studying the book Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart by Kenneth Haugk.

This week we spent a portion of our meeting sharing parts of the book what were especially helpful in preparing us to make those sometimes-difficult visits.

Such visits need to always be bathed in prayer, and Haugk provides a simple prayer to commence one’s visit.

“Dear God, I’m relying on you. Speak to me and tell me what to say. Speak through me and console the other. Speak for me and tell the other person what he or she needs to hear. Oh, and Lord- Tell me when to be quiet  Thanks for being faithful. Amen.” (P. 53).

Some of the best introductory words you can express in greeting the person are, “It’s good to see you,” and then depending on the response you might give the person a touch, hug or a handshake and say, “Fill me in on what’s been going on” (P. 55).

Asking them “to fill you in” provides and immediate opportunity to assess the state of the one being visited. This can set the direction for your future conversation. Asking them for information enables them to take control of the conversation, which is important. Remember your visit is a dance. They lead and you follow.

The goal of your visit should be to encourage them to talk about the things they want to talk about, not the things you want to talk about.

Be quiet and listen with not only your ears but your heart.

Encourage them to share what’s on their heart, even if the things you hear make you feel uncomfortable. This is not the time to debate their feelings or theology but to practice nonjudgmental listening and to show unconditional love.

Someone who is grieving or in pain typically has conflicting feelings and thoughts that shift, sometimes back and forth in the same hour-even in the same minute. “Your focused listening puts you in tune with the person with a ‘heavy heart’ and helps them realize you understand how they are feeling. Such listening makes your presence all the more healing to the one you are visiting (P 57).

Remind yourself that the visit is not about you but the other person. Forget about yourself and focus on the one to whom you are seeking to minister.

Avoid words or phrases such as, “We….When I….I remember…My…” that can change the course of the conversation from them to you. Save your stories for another time.

This is not to say you should never share stories or personal experiences, but if you do, they should be limited to those that are encouraging and uplifting.

But what if your efforts are met with silence. There are few things more uncomfortable than silence when talking with someone, but you must try to get over your anxiety and realize that silence can be positive. In fact, silence can sometimes be better than a sermon if it gives the suffering person a chance to think and reflect on what is being said.

Sometimes silence is the perfect prescription for the person you are visiting.

I personally know the power of silence. As I lay on the hospital bed beside Jean in the closing days of her life, the two things that meant the most to me had nothing to do with conversations I had with others.

In the absence of conversation, I was wonderfully ministered to by music. I listened to the words of  “Jealous of the Angels” by Jenn Bostick and “The Goodness of God” by Ce Ce Winans-I played these songs over and over again, as I lay cuddled up beside my wife with my little dog Maggie by my side. It was the music and its message that especially spoke to me and helped ease the pain in my broken heart.

All the while the music played, some of my best friends sat silently beside me , but in the silence of their tears, I was strengthened and assured that they knew and  understood what I was going through.

There is a  Jewish proverb that says, “eloquent silence is better than eloquent speech.” That is a good lesson for all of us to learn.

I close with the words of Haugk who reminds us, “You don’t need to be totally passive during such a silence, not by any means. Touch the suffering individual-hold the person’s hands, pat a shoulder, give a hug- whatever is appropriate. Cry together. Most importantly, you can use the quiet to pray silently for the hurting person and to ask for guidance in your caring. 

A perceptive pastor shared that he often prayed these words: “O Lord., please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth…” When silence fills the room, remember that God is beneath and within the silence, radiating his love. You are always there as God’s emissary of love. You can speak in love. You can listen in love, and you can simply be with the other person in love” (P. 64).

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom