Dear Friends,
Most things in life that are best learned are experienced outside the
classroom. Who would want to go up in a plane with a pilot who had completed
reading a manual on flying but never had actually flown a plane. The same is
true for those who have gone through the experience of grief. You can read all
about how to handle grief, but until you have experienced its devastating consequences,
I doubt one can fully understand or appreciate its impact.
In dealing with grief personally after the loss of my precious
wife, Jean, I am learning some lessons that hopefully will be of value to
others who are, or who will someday be going through it.
Let me acknowledge I am no expert on the subject, far from it. I
am daily learning about it as I walk through my own experience with
it, and so what I share about grief is based more on my own
personal experience and my conversations with others than it is on
what I have learned through reading about it.
In talking about grief, I
acknowledge personal experience may be the best teacher
I know everyone is different and so not everyone will experience
grief in the same way, but there are some general guidelines that are
important to keep in mind when personally dealing with it or helping others who
are dealing with it.
1. You can't rush it. Everyone's time table will be different, so
don't be surprised if it takes some people longer than others to work
through it. Be patient with those going through it, and let them go
through it at their own pace. Grief is one thing you can't hurry.
2. It is helpful to have caring and understanding people
around as you go through it. One of the most helpful thing for me has been
having friends in the church stop by or regularly call
to check in to see how I am doing. Knowing that someone
loves and cares for you and is praying for you has been invaluable to
me as I work through my sadness. One of the reasons I
recently traveled to Florida was to be with friends and family
who I knew would be there to support and encourage me. The constant
consistent concern of those who care about you can help immeasurably as
one goes through their period of grieving
3. Be present with the one who grieves. As my family and I were
together with Jean during the last two weeks of her life, we
were fortunate to have several friends who
were constantly present with us. Often times they would say nothing,
but their presence was comforting and reassuring. Sometimes as the popular song
says, "You say it best when you say nothing at all." Thanks Teddie,
Dan, Harriett and others whose presence supported me and our family through the
difficult times of our grieving.
4. Be a good listener Allow the griever to
share his/her pain and communicate you are happy to listen without judgement
and without an agenda. This is not the time to share unsolicited advice on what
they should do or how they should feel. No one wants to hear sermons when they
are grieving. Don't say you know how they feel or what they
are experiencing for you don't.
5. Be proactive. Often those grieving are reluctant to
ask for help or express their needs. Look for little,
practical things you can do to help-making calls, tidying up the
room, providing meals, or buying groceries-are all helpful ways to
relieve the one who is grieving.
6. Encourage the one grieving to talk about the person they have
lost. It may feel uncomfortable to do so, but the griever often finds it
helpful to share experiences and memories of the one who has
passed.
7. Stay connected. Grievers often receive a lot of
support the first few months after a loss, but it
is essential that you stay connected, and that
you check in with them months down the road. Long term care is
important for the one who is grieving and knowing that there are
people who will continue to support and care for them is an important part of
the recovery process.
8. Assure the one grieving that it is alright and normal to cry
and express their emotions. I find myself susceptible to sudden
and unexpected bouts of grief when I will break down and
cry uncontrollably. Assure the griever you are comfortable in the presence of
his/her tears.
Good Grief, by Granger Westberg, is a short
but classic book on grief that I would recommend to anyone wanting to
know more about the subject of grief. Granger writes "One of the great
faults of intellectual Protestantism is that it has tended to stifle emotion.
The Sunday services have more resembled a lecture series than a worship
experience. We must not and need not apologize for emotions in our religious
experience, nor need we apologize for it in our grief. (pp. 22-23) I know who
my close friends are. They are the ones I can cry with and not be embarrassed
or feel uncomfortable doing so.
While in Florida I visited a friend who had recently lost her
husband after a three year battle with brain cancer. She
sent me the following quote: "Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It
is all the love you want to give, but cannot. All the unspent love gathers up
in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of
your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." James
Anderson.
Hopefully those of us who have the opportunity to deal
with those who grieve can help our grieving friends find a place for their love
to go.
Yours in faith and friendship,
Tom
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