Leadership Thoughts: 4 Words Every Grieving Person Wants to Hear.

Dear Friends,

I was out to breakfast with two very special friends last week and after a few moments of conversation, one of them looked me in the eye and asked, “How are you doing?”

Those four words are so important for a grieving person to hear, as it gives that person permission to openly and honestly share his/her feelings of pain.

One professional counselor expresses it this way. “It is not your job to help someone stop grieving. Your job as a support person is not to cheer them up. It is to help them feel heard.” (Megan Devine, founder of Refuge in Grief)

Often friends of a grieving person will avoid addressing the painful subject of grief with them. They may be afraid to bring up the subject for such discussion makes them feel uncomfortable, so they carry on like nothing has happened.

Not knowing what to say or feeling uncomfortable in the presence of someone dealing with grief should never be an excuse for saying nothing at all.

Talking with one who is grieving may be difficult or awkward and yes, even at times uncomfortable. You may feel inadequate and fear saying the wrong thing, but ignoring or avoiding the subject is the worst action you can take with someone who is grieving.

Grieving people need to talk and be heard and the general question, “How are you feeling,” may seem trite and a bit impersonal,  it provides the grieving person the opportunity to share his or her feelings, something that is important for them to be able to do.

Sitting across the restaurant table from my friends, those words, “How are you doing?” communicated genuine love and concern and provided me permission to share my pain and sadness, something that is so important for a grieving person to do.

When talking with someone who is grieving, please don’t ignore the person’s feelings out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Say something, even if it might be the wrong thing, for the only thing that could be worse than saying the wrong thing is saying nothing at all.

Don’t ignore the feelings of the person you are with. Acknowledge that you know they may be fragile and encourage them to share the hurt in their heart. They will appreciate and be grateful for the opportunity to share their feelings with you.

You might want to ask the grieving person, “Is there something you need, or “can I do anything for you?”

Be specific in suggesting some possible ways you might be of help-making phone calls, picking up groceries, providing transportation as the grieving person may not know what he/she needs.

Be honest and acknowledge your feelings of inadequacy, but at the same time communicate your willingness to help learn how you can best be of assistance.

Embrace their feelings whether you agree with them or not. As someone shared with me, “feelings are neither good nor bad; they just are,” so don’t try to soothe or change them but embrace them even if you don’t agree with them.

Don’t worry about making things worse. Even if you don’t always get it right (there is no perfect script for communicating with those who are grieving) your efforts to love and support them will outweigh anything you might have wished you didn’t say.

And if you are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, admit it but assure them that despite any mistakes you may make, you can be counted on to love and support them through their journey of grief.

“Grief is not a problem to be solved; it’s an experience to be carried," (Megan Devine), and you can help the person carry his/her grief  by your care and concern.

In closing the most important ministry you can provide to one who is grieving is to be present with them as they go through their journey.

As I reflect back upon the last weeks of Jean’s life when she was under hospice care, and I was lying with her on a narrow hospital bed with a heart that was breaking, it was the silent witness of my closest friends who hour after hour sat with me in our bedroom and whose presence communicated what no words could ever do-“We love you and we are there for you.”

As I write these final words, the tears are falling as I am again reminded of how these dear friends helped ease my pain by their presence.

It is so true as Allison Krause sings that sometimes, “You say it best when you say nothing at all.”

Yours still grieving but still growing on the journey through grief,

Tom