Leadership Thought: An Embarrassing Response to a ‘Bonus Bearing’ Brother.

Dear Friends,

Yesterday after church I received news that our church leadership had blessed me and our two other pastors with a generous bonus. My awkward , and yes even goofy response to his news of this gracious gift, puzzled me. Long ago I learned that “reflection turns experience into insight,” so this morning I took some time to examine why I responded as I did. And one of the questions I asked myself, was  why is it so much easier for me to give gifts than to receive?

As a Christian I know “it is more blessed to give than to receive,” and as a pastor I know there is giving attitude  ingrained within that naturally wants to be on the on the giving end. But why does this giving nature often seem to exempt me from enjoying and affirming the gifts of others.

I thought I was making strides in learning how to be more comfortable when I  on the receiving end, but yesterday’s experience caused me to seriously question my self-assessment.

Most of us have grown up with the mentality that it is much better to give than to receive, and this is a noble principle, and one which safeguards us from self-centeredness. But how does this mentality impact our social relationships when we receive affirmation, compliments, and expressions of love when sincerely given by others?  If such expressions cause us to squirm and feel uncomfortable, how does it make the one who offers them feel? All of this caused me to ask why can’t some of us be as good at receiving gifts as giving them?

Some suggest our difficulty in receiving is a defense against intimacy. It’s a defense that helps us keep people at arm’s length. But when we deflect a complement or refuse to embrace a gift, we deprive ourselves of a special opportunity to connect with another.

When we are offering a kind word or doing something special for someone. we are in control, but we surrender control the moment we are on the receiving end.  Receiving causes us to feel a certain vulnerability that makes us feel uncomfortable.

All of this reflection led me to the following quote emphasizing the important balance between giving and receiving. John Amodeo writes “The parched earth can’t let in life-giving rain if it is covered by a plastic tarp…Without the capacity to be touched by caring and appreciation, we render these gifts less meaningful. Sacred receiving, letting things in with heartfelt gratitude, is a gift to the giver!  Both people are giving and receiving in their own unique ways. This shared experience can be profoundly sacred and intimate—a moment of delectable grace.” John Amodeo, “Dancing with Fire:” A Mindful Way of Loving Relationships-taken from the internet.

I sent an e-mail this morning to my ‘bonus bearing” friend, apologizing for my inappropriate response to his news of such a gracious gift. I hope this Leadership Thought, which I am about to forward to him, will clearly communicate my sincere appreciation for the news he offered and my future intentions to work on my gift receiving aptitude.

Yours still learning and hopefully still growing,

Tom