Leadership Thought: “Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart.”

Dear Friends,

Last night at our small group meeting, one of our members shared some heavy stuff she was going through. Fortunately, she was surrounded by a group of caring people who lovingly listened as she emptied the pain in her heart.  

Sometimes in situations like this when someone is hurting, there is the temptation to play the role of ‘answer man’, dispensing our wisdom and providing our solutions to solve the problem.

But last night each group member listened intently, with their heart. Few words were spoken as each member sought to feel and identify with the pain in our friend’s heart.

God reminds us of the importance of sharing the hurt of the one who is suffering. Paul exhorts us “Remember these in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.” Hebrews 13: 3

David Augsburger writes, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”

In listening to another’s pain, we are saying, I respect what you have to say, and I really care enough about you that I’m going to give you all my fullest attention. I am going to listen with my heart and not just my head.

In a wonderful book I am reading, Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart, Kenneth Haugh writes, “You don't have to hit a home run in your interactions with suffering individuals, to say or do exactly the right thing to make the person feel completely better immediately. The truth is, in most situations of significant struggle and suffering, nothing you can say or do will make the pain go away. The suffering person doesn't need a home run hitter; He or she needs your consistent, caring presence. P. 82

Most people find it much easier to try and fix the situation-offer advice, provide solutions, than to sit quietly by and try to identify with the pain in the suffering person’s heart. 

We are prone to be ‘fix it’ people, and in our effort to help fix the situation we overlook the feelings of the person who may not be looking for answers but simply hoping for a presence, and a couple of listening ears to hear the person’s pain.

Hauck writes, “Suffering people do not respond well to quick fixes or easy solutions because this approach short-circuits the normal coping process.” P. 80.

It is tempting to be “outcome driven,” feeling that we must solve a person’s problems, and so we may seek to help them by sharing how we got through a similar situation thinking that in identifying with their situation we are helping them.

God’s healing agents need to learn than connection and not direction is often the best solution to a person’s pain, Connection may mean simply being present, saying little, and letting God heal through our quiet care.

Understanding this approach can be tremendously liberating. We no longer feel like we are responsible to help the person fix the problem.

A listening ear and a caring heart are often the most effective means of healing a broken heart. Yes, Haugk is right when he admonishes us to avoid singing songs to a heavy heart.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

P.S. “One of the best ways to demonstrate God’s love is to listen to people.” Bruce Larsen