Dear Friends,
Matt Agresti is a
friend and a local pastor who shared an insightful formula for getting along
with those with whom you might normally disagree.
He imagines having a
difficult conversation around the table in the presence of an "Uncle
Fred," the person who always seeks to steer the course of conversations in
polarizing and uncomfortable directions.
His recommendation was
to keep in mind a "Triple A" perspective as you engage your
'Fred' in potentially divisive and unproductive conversations.
Always try to keep
three things in mind when you face such conversations: "Add,
"Agree," and "Affirm." Doing these three things will go a long
way in preventing relational erosion that will sabotage any possibility
of meaningful discussions.
Add Ask yourself how I can add something to
the conversation that will make it better and more positive and
productive. What can I say that will enhance our conversation and keep it
on track and moving in a positive direction? What can I do to add value to the
person with whom I know I may disagree? How can I embrace him and show him
respect without necessarily affirming his views or position? How can I be a
more nonjudgmental listener who tries to understand his perspective?
When you add value to
someone you make them better. When you genuinely value someone, you will find
ways to be present with them, believe in them and encourage them.
Agree Search for areas of agreement. Even if it
is only a small area of agreement, embrace it. Finding common ground is an
important place to begin a difficult conversation. It is much more
productive to begin searching for areas of agreement than concentrating on
areas of disagreement that will only move the conversation in a contentious
direction.
Affirm Find those areas that you can affirm.
Affirm and express appreciation for the way the person is handling his
emotions, expressing thoughtfulness, showing wisdom, or listening intently.
Congratulate the person for challenging your perspective and helping you to
more clearly see and understand his point of view. Treat the person like a new
friend and demonstrate that you respect and care for him, even if you don't
necessarily agree with his position.
Always remember that
"a friend loves at all times" (Proverbs 17:17), and don't lose sight
of the significance of that verse. No matter how draining or difficult the
conversation may be, it's better to lose an argument than to lose a friend.
A lawyer friend of
mine recently told me of a judge who said the best decision that can be
rendered in the courtroom is one that leaves both parties feeling a little
unhappy. What he was saying was that compromise may not always be most
satisfying for those involved, but at least both parties derive something
positive from the judgment.
Always remember your
goal is not to win an argument but to build and strengthen a
relationship.
Yours and faith and
friendship
Tom
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