Leadership Thought: Secretaries, and Other Church Leaders, “You Don’t Always Have to Be Nice.”

Dear Friends,

I sent the message below to our church secretary, who is one of the nicest and kindest persons you will ever meet. I wanted her to know, as I indicated in my letter to her, that while we appreciate her warm and friendly spirit and the wonderful way she makes people feel after spending time with her, that her job security does not require her to be nice all the time.

Now don’t get me wrong. I do think it is important for the face of the church to be pleasant when she speaks to people on the phone or in person, but that expectation only goes so far. Should people take advantage of her kindness, or presume she has nothing else to do except address their needs, I draw the line. I told her it was Ok to growl occasionally-one of the best things a church secretary can do to relive tension, and that the rest of the staff would even be Ok with an occasional scream so long as it remained a decibel or two below a train whistle.

No one has to remain quiet and unresponsive when disrespected or taken advantage of, and that goes for anyone, not just church secretaries.

I have been privileged to work with a number of great church secretaries over the years, and I know how hard they work and how committed they are to serving others. I tend to several flower gardens with my secretary in mind, for long ago I learned that if you bring your secretary flowers, you will  have a happy and devoted secretary who not only likes you, but who will defend you to the death. And who doesn't need a little additional job security?

So, to you Karen, Denise, Debby, Karen, Lynn, Megan, and any other secretaries I have been blessed to minister with over some fifty years of ministry, I dedicate the message below to you. And to those who read this and who aren’t secretaries, I remind you that you too don’t have to grin when you feel like growling.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom

“Biblical Leaders Don’t Have to Be Nice All the Time,” Tom Harper, Biblical Leadership, June 7, 2021,

“I don't envy those of you in church leadership.

You have pressures those of us in the marketplace don't have. When you let a staff member go, you often have a tougher time because you've been at his family's hospital bedside, done their funerals, conducted their marriages or counseled them through personal crises. When we part ways with employees, the roots aren't as deep, and the aftermath doesn't last as long or spread among entire families like in the church.

Whether you lead in ministry or any kind of organization, Solomon has some great advice (and I paraphrase): "Be nice. But sometimes don't be nice."

That's a relief on one hand – it's okay to not to be liked all the time. On the other, especially for us people pleasers, it's frightening. What do you mean, don't be nice? Most of us actually care about what people think.

Let's look at a passage in Ecclesiastes you've heard before:

Ecclesiastes 3:3-8
³ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
²a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Jesus himself said, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword" (Matthew 10:34).

If you too must be a peace breaker from time to time, remember you're in good company. Jesus showed the way we need to be when short-term peace is detrimental to the greater good."