Leadership Thought: What Happens When You Are the Pastor and Your Son Runs Away from Home?

Dear Friends,

This morning I was having breakfast with a friend from another church, and we somehow got talking about how often the things we say can impact others’ lives without our knowing it.

I shared with him an incident that happened in 1987 when a church search committee from Red Bank had come to western Pa. to interview me for a position in their church. They planned to hear me preach and then meet with me and Jean for lunch following the service.

Unfortunately, Jean and I made the mistake of telling four children that we were having 8 very important guests for lunch after church, and that they needed to be on their very best behavior. Some of you already know where this story is going, for it's times like these that our children will often decide to be at their very worst.

During lunch, our son Tommy, who was nine and who was none too happy about the prospects of mom and dad moving from Greenville, Pa., decided to act up. I am convinced in retrospect that he would have done anything he could to sabotage any possibilities of our moving, and so from his upstairs bedroom he yelled, "Dad, I am going over to my friend’s house.”  I politely responded that he wasn’t allowed to do so. A few minutes later he made the same request and received my same response, “No, Tommy, you can’t visit your friend’s house."  After the third such interchange with the same results, he screamed “Dad, if you won’t let me go, I am running away."

With this, I calmly but firmly responded, “That’s fine, but be sure and pack your bags as it is cold outside.” A few moments later, much to Jean and my surprise and embarrassment, little Tommy came downstairs with bag in hand and walked right out the front door. By this time, I am thinking any possible chance of being called to the Red Bank, N.J. church is history. Who would want a pastor who is unable to control his wayward son?  With my son having just stormed out the front door, we went on with the meal, trying to act like nothing of significance had happened. However, Jean and I couldn’t wait for the meal to be over and for our guests to get into their cars and head back to New Jersey.

I had written off any possibility of ever seeing any of those committee members again, so I was surprised when the call came from one of the members who had been sitting at our table informing me that they would like to offer us a call to pastor the church.

I remember years after sharing  that experience with Teddie O’Neal, who is now one of our dear friends  and who happened to be present at the table for that father and son ‘love fest.’  In describing the experience, she said, “Tom we called you because we were so impressed with the way you calmly but firmly dealt with your son in the midst of such an awkward and  embarrassing situation.

All of this is to say, that we don’t always know how our words and actions are impacting others’ lives. In today’s super charged world where communication can be so toxic, and where unloving and unkind remarks can instantly sever long  standing  friendships, we need to be careful and restrained with our rhetoric.

The Lord used my measured response to my son in a way that ultimately served to win the hearts of the people around that luncheon table, and who this day remain close friends. I take no credit for my response,  as I believe that  the Holy Spirit was using my communication and conduct to win the hearts of those around that table, even when I wasn’t fully aware of it.

Solomon writes “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” ( Proverbs 12:18), and the Psalmist prays “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord, keep watch over the door of my lips" (Psalm 141:3). What a wonderful verse to pray before we start each day. What a difference it would make in our strife torn world if we were to offer that prayer each day. Who knows, we might one day discover that God has used our words to bless and impact others in ways we could never imagine.

And what happened to the runaway? I am happy to report he returned home a few hours later, and that after three months  we discovered his snow-covered bag of clothes lying under a tree in our neighbor’s yard.

Yours in faith and friendship,

Tom