Leadership Thought: What to Say and Do to Your Friend with a Grieving Heart.

Dear Friends,

For several years I sought to establish a Grief Share group in our church. I was never able to identify those who were willing to lead the ministry. However, much to my surprise, it wouldn't be until my wife died that two people would come forward to start and lead the ministry. For this, I will forever be thankful. 

For over 25 years Grief Share has helped over one million people heal from the pain of grief. 

If you are walking on the grief journey, I highly recommend this program. Through videos and group discussion those participating have the opportunity to learn how and how not to grieve.

At last night's meeting we discussed how grief can impact your friendships.

At one time or another people seeking to aid the one in grief will say or do the wrong thing.

"At least they're not suffering anymore." "They're in a better place, "Time heals all wounds," are all familiar expressions the grieving person may often hear.

Even the most well- meaning friends and family members can say things that may make you feel hurt and angry. 

You might be tempted to avoid interacting with such people because they don't understand what you're going through, but it is important to remember that not all people know how to act or what to say when they are around grieving people. 

Last night I learned that one third of your friends will not be helpful, one third will be somewhat helpful and one third become those whom you will rely and depend upon as you go through grief.

I have found these statistics to be true. Those one third who have been most helpful are those possessing certain characteristics.

They are not afraid to ask how you are doing and really mean it.

They are empathetic and good listeners. They feel your pain and are not uncomfortable dealing with your emotional highs and lows.

They periodically stay in touch and understand that those grieving need to know you care and that you have not forgotten them.

They understand that more than anything else the grieving person wants to talk about their loved one, and they look to provide opportunities for you share your memories about them. 

Those in that last  group have been such a blessing to me. Whether through phone calls, letters, e-mails, or personal visits, they continue to check up on me and show me how much they care.

Through my grief journey, I have learned that even those who would like to comfort you feel uncomfortable doing so, and while they might desire to be of help, they have little  idea what you need or what you are going through.

I've learned that you need patience with such people and not place unrealistic expectations on them.

I've learned to respond with love when they say or do the wrong thing, or when they act like nothing is wrong and seem surprised to discover that while you may seem well on the outside, on the inside your heart is breaking.

Proverbs reminds us to be gracious with such people. "A person's wisdom yield's patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense."(Proverbs 19:11)

I've learned to rely on God and upon those friends who do understand, and who do seek ways to show their love and concern.

I have learned that isolation is the worst route the grieving person can take, and good relationships are essential and are needed more than ever. 

“When grief is overwhelming, the most natural tendency is to hide. But once you are willing to look bad in the presence of love, in the presence of somebody who doesn’t back away, that’s going to make a big difference in your life. Shutting yourself off from other people only prolongs the intensity of your pain.” Dr. Larry Crabb.

God’s word reminds us that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and who has no one to help them up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). We truly do need each other.

The next time you want to help someone on their grief journey, and you are not sure what to say or do, just pray and ask God to show you how you might respond. He will guide you and give you the right words and or actions that will help heal the grief wounds born in the heart of your friend.

Yours in faith,

Tom

P.S. Here is a list of things one might want to communicate to someone seeking to care for your wounded heart.

Be a quiet listener and let me talk about my loved one and share memories.

Ignoring my grief does not make it go away.

If I am sad, let me be sad. Do not try to cheer me up. It’s important for me to feel the emotions I am feeling.

Sometimes it may appear that I am functioning fine and that I am doing well. Understand that outward appearances can be deceiving.

The Bible has countless examples of people experiencing and expressing their grief. Even Jesus wept over the death of his friend. So being spiritual, or having faith, doesn’t mean I won’t deal with sorrow.

Don’t make comments about next year being better or time healing my wounds; My concerns are focused on the here and now.

Understand that I can’t do everything I used to do in the past, but don’t hesitate to invite me to do things anyway.

Let me cry if I need to. You don’t have to say anything- just hand me tissues and be there for me.

Understand that grief can go on for a number of years. There is no established time limit. 

Please, don't make judgments about how long it's taking me to grieve.